Does It Matter?

A short story

by J.W. Smith

Josh. We'd known each other since the fourth grade when he was the new student that year. That was a big thing in our small rural school. He was a gangly skinny kid blonde hair cut butch… Freckles...Blue sparkly eyes. And ears that stuck out like the stop sign on the side of our school bus.

I was the small kid everyone loved to pick on. I was the same age as the rest of my class. I was just small. There was nothing in particular that stood out about me. I had brown hair and brown eyes. My mom said my smile that was my best feature. She said that when I smiled the whole room lit up. I always thought she was saying that to make me feel better about myself. I guess maybe I was wrong, 'cause it was my smile that made Josh my friend; my very best friend.

Here's how it happened: it was the third day of school… recess. The Johnson twins were back to picking on me. They were the biggest kids in our class, and the worst bullies. They had me backed up against a wall, out of sight of the school yard monitor, taunting me. About what? Probably the usual. Their favorite name for me was Turd. They would say that I was all brown just like a little piece of shit, and not worth much more. The other kids I think were thankful that the twins had me to pick on so they would leave them alone.

No one had spoken to the new kid up to that day. I'd smiled at him and shyly he'd smiled back, but I guess we were both too timid to speak. As I stood there with my back to the wall being called a turd and told how worthless I was, I saw Josh watching. I was embarrassed that he was listening. And then one of the twins hit me up the side of my head. It was enough to daze me and knock me off my feet. When I got my eyes to focus, I was amazed to see Josh fighting with the twins. It was two against one and there was no way he was going to win.

I don't know where my courage came from, but seeing those two bullies beating on Josh made me furious. I got up and tore into the one holding Josh's arm while the other one punched him. I kicked him in the shin and punched his chubby belly. He let go of Josh and started after me. I ran and he followed. He may have had an advantage being big when it came to picking on someone, but being small and thin I could run like a blue streak. I ran around the school building hoping that the teacher that was supposed to be monitoring would stop him. Of course, she was no where in sight. As I approached Josh and the other twin I saw that Josh had him on his toes with an arm twisted behind him. The twin had a swollen eye and a nose bleed. He was blubbering, snot mixed with blood dribbling down his shirt front.

I glanced back. The one chasing me was just coming around the corner huffing and puffing. Josh yelled at him. "Stop or I'll break your brother's arm." I don't know if he would have or even could have, but it stopped him in his tracks.

"If you hurt him you'll be sorry." the twin yelled back.

"Like I'm afraid of you two fat sissies."

The twin walked up looking defeated. "Let him go. I promise to leave you alone."

"Promise you'll leave Davy alone, too."

"Ahh," the twin whined, "Do we have to? He's so fun to pick on."

Josh hiked the twisted arm of the defeated twin and made him yelp. "Yes. We promise not to pick on Davy. Let me go. You're hurting me," he whined.

Josh looked at the other one. "I didn't hear anything."

"All right, all right, we’ll leave him alone."

Josh shoved the bloody twin toward his brother. "Go clean him up. And I don't want to see either of you picking on anyone again."

I was standing next to my hero, gazing up at him in awe. He looked down at me and put his arm around my shoulder. "Are you okay, Buddy?"

All I could do was nod vigorously, and smile. He smiled back. We watched the twins their arms around each other head for the boys restroom. The bell rang. Recess was over.

We were settled back at our desks. The teacher, Mrs. Schwartz, stood by her desk and looked over the class. "Where are the Johnson twins?"

I was sure someone would tattle, but everyone shrugged. I smiled into my desk top. A couple of minutes later they straggled in. The one had on a wet shirt and had some toilet paper stuffed in his nose.

"Where have you two been and what happened to you?" Mrs. Schwartz asked.

"He ran into a wall and I was helping him clean himself up."

Mrs. Schwartz didn't look like she believed it a bit, but she told them to sit down and class continued.

From that day on, no one pick on me. No one picked on anybody. Josh was my friend and everyone wanted to be his friend, too. Josh was nice and polite to everyone, but only with me was he was open and friendly. It was this way until our first year of high school.

We had to ride a bus into town and there were lots of students in our freshman class. Instead of having one room for all our classes we moved to different rooms for each class. I didn't get to see Josh very much because we were in different groups. He started playing football and hanging out with the jocks. The Twins were in the same bunch. Being that I was small I ended up with the nerds and social rejects. Even on the bus Josh sat with the twins and talked about football and girls and other jock stuff.

I could tell he knew the way he had abandoned me hurt, but he never said anything. He still watched out for me, but we didn't socialize. I understood, but it still was painful to lose my best friend.

The summer before our sophomore year, I guess my hormones or something finally kicked in. I started growing. I went from 4' 8" to 5' 11" in just four months. I was now as tall as Josh. But where he'd filled out I was lanky. And I wasn't finished growing. The coach in Gym class decided I should go out for basketball because of my height. I discovered that I had great hand-eye coordination. Suddenly, I was a Basketball Jock on my way to being a Star.

When I got on the bus the first morning of our sophomore year, Josh's reaction was amusing. It was the first time that he spoke to me since he'd become a football jock the year before. I gave him a small smile and sat by myself as I had for the last year. I noticed that he'd done something to his ears. They didn't stick out anymore. They lay against his head like everyone else. It really made him really handsome.

During my first year as a member of the basketball team I didn't get to play very much. However, in one of the games against a rival school I finally got to show my stuff. I scored fifty-seven points in the second half and helped our team win. I was a hero. I even got my picture in the school paper. Josh now said hi every day when he got on the bus, but he was still a football jock and I was not. Plus, he now had girlfriends and I did not. I say girlfriends because he changed like once a month.

By my junior year I still hadn't dated. I wasn't interested in girls, but I wasn't interested in boys either. I got taunted some but in general my basketball buddies pretty much left me alone. And then the strangest thing happened. This girl who played on the girl's basketball team asked me to have lunch with her. Her name was Patricia. Not Pat. Patricia.

She lived in town and her dad was some bigwig. She had her own car; a new bright red Mustang. I met her in the student parking lot and we went off to the local Burger King. We drove thru and both ordered a Whopper and a Coke. Then she drove us to a nearby park. We got out and sat under a tree to eat.

After her first bite she turned to me and said, "Dave, I have a proposition for you."

My mouth was full so I just raised my eyebrows in query.

"I need a boyfriend. And I think that a girlfriend would not damage your image."

I grinned, feeling embarrassed. She smiled politely.

"You see, I’m a lesbian and I need a cover. You'd make a good cover for me being you don't seem to be interested in girls."

I turned dark red. Now I was really embarrassed. "I...I'm not gay," I stammered.

"I'm not inferring that you are. You're a nice, decent guy, but kids talk behind your back. This would help both of us."

I'd lost my appetite. I laid the half of my burger on its wrapper and stared at it. I eventually looked up at her and asked, "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"Who is she?"

"That, my friend, is between her and me."

I nodded. "So you want me to play like I'm your boyfriend. Like go on dates and to the school dances and..... and hang out together at lunch?"

She nodded.

I nodded in return and suddenly I had a girlfriend.

Talk about a life changing event. Who would have thought? After a week of her driving me home after school my parents decided that I needed to have a car. It wasn't new or bright red like Patricia's but it was wheels, nonetheless. Guys on the team who had always been friendly but a little stand offish were now being buddy-buddy with me. Patricia and I would meet in the halls between classes and hold hands as I walked her to her next class. We got invited to parties and asked to double date. I was now popular. We were now popular.

The one negative thing was that Josh now ignored me; completely. It was as if I didn't exist in his world, even though we were in the same group of friends now. It hurt; a lot. I liked Josh. Secretly, now as I look back on that time I was in love with him, but at the time I couldn't admit it even to myself. I kept busy with my school work and activities and before I knew it graduation was upon me.

I don't like to brag, but it was a great feeling to be chosen as the King of the Prom over all the football jocks with Patricia as my Queen. Josh was chosen as one of our court as was Patricia's girlfriend. Patricia and I sat on the dais in our thrones and had a good laugh about the irony of it all. I noticed that Josh didn't look very happy. I wondered if it was because he had expected to be sitting where I was. I shrugged off the thought and enjoyed the evening dancing with my pseudo girlfriend and many other girls who would have gladly taken her place at my side.

Having the highest grade point average I was also the valedictorian. I had my choice of schools. I chose State. They had the best basketball team and offered the best course of study for me. Patricia was going to an Eastern College. She and her girlfriend were touring Europe during the summer. The two of us went out to dinner one evening just before they left. She thanked me profusely for helping her in her charade.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Girl, I'll always be thankful for what you did for me. It's been wonderful being your pseudo-boyfriend these last two years. I really will miss you."

She cried and I had to wipe my eyes several times. And then she pulled out a little gift box and handed it to me. I opened it and pulled out a rectangular gold pendant. It was inscribed, "I will always have you in my heart. PD." I turned it over and laughed out loud as Patricia grinned. It had a male and female symbol entwined with a little diamond one on the tip of the arrow on the male symbol and another in the center of the cross on the female symbol.

I put the chain over my head and settled in around my neck and then stood, leaned over the table and kissed her on her lips. "I'll always love you." I murmured.

"Ditto," she replied.

For graduation my parents gave me a Pontiac Trans Am convertible. I was so full of myself driving up to SU that fall. I had been given my room assignment though the mail and after parking outside the dorm I loaded up with stuff to take in. I used my butt to push open the glass door to the lobby of the building. I signed in at the desk and got my key. I loaded back up and used my elbow to press the buttons on the elevator. When I got to the third floor and found my room I had to set everything down to fish out my key and open the door.

My roommate hadn't arrived so I chose the bed next to the window and started putting my stuff away. It took four trips to get it all up and a couple of hours to stow it all and hook up my computer. I sat on my bed and looked around in satisfaction. I was hungry and I wanted to explore the campus.

An hour and a half later I was fumbling for my key when the door opened. There stood Josh, without a shirt, smiling at me. I blanched. With my mouth hanging open, I simply stared at him. His smiled faded and I regained my equanimity. I stepped into the room and turned to look back at him as he still held the door. "Of all the hundreds of students here what were the odds?" I asked.

"I requested you as my roommate. Since we know each other I thought it would be easier on us."

My thoughts were in a jumble, my emotions even more so. "I know your name. I'm familiar with your appearance. But I don't know you. Why would you think it would be easier?"

He didn't seem to have an answer. At least he wasn't forthcoming with one. He stared at me like I had hit him. "I guess I made a mistake."

I glared at him. I was feeling all the pent up hurt of the last four years. "I used to know a Josh Walsh back in grade school. He was my best friend. I loved him. But he disappeared when we started high school. Actually, he abandoned me." The tears I could feel welling in my eyes made me even angrier. I had to get out of there before he could see how badly he had hurt me. I jumped up and darted out of the room.

I went down to the desk and requested a room change. There was no way that I could live in close proximity to Josh. I hated him. I loved him. I wanted him. I wanted him gone.

"I'm sorry that’s impossible." I was told.

"But- but you don't understand. I....."

"No it is you that doesn't understand. You were notified as to who you would be living with a month ago. There's no changing now. Check back in a few weeks. Maybe then, we’ll have something else to offer you."

I turned away, defeated. I found myself with my head pressed against a tree trunk sometime later. Turning around, I slid down to sit at its base. I didn't know how I was going to be able to stay in the same room with Josh. Resentment of his abandoning me for his football jock buddies filled me with hate. But as I thought about him standing there holding the door open without a shirt on, showing off his magnificent muscles and his hairy chest with rosy nipples, bulging biceps, narrow hips and the shock of blonde hair hanging over his forehead; his sparking blue eyes and his oh so kissable lips, there was no way I could hate him.

I sat there with a throbbing hard-on trying to stay angry. It didn't work. I knew I didn't hate Josh. He had hurt me with his abandonment, but I kind of understood his side of it. He couldn't be a big high school football jock and be buddies with a little nerdy kid like I was back then. And maybe he just never figured out how to apologize and be friends again. And maybe this was his way of trying to make up for it all, by being my roommate. I pulled my shirttails out to cover myself and went back to my - our - Josh's and my room.

I shuffled in to find him laying on his bed staring at the ceiling. He glanced at me and then rolled over to face the wall.

I sat down on the foot of his bed he drew his feet up. I guessed that I had really hurt him. Well, what did he expect? I moved over to my bed and sat down to stare at his back. I searched for the words to heal both of us. I must have taken a while. He rolled over and looked at me. His face was wet, his eyes were red and he sniffled as he rubbed his fists into his eyes. "I'm sorry," he snuffled.

"I am, too," I said. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted awhile ago. I've been thinking. I'm no longer the little kid that you saved from those redheaded twins. I can take care of myself. And you are no longer my hero. Maybe we can start over as equals and be friends again."

Josh sat up and smiled. "I'd like that. I've missed you, Davy." He hung his head. I was stunned. He had abandoned our friendship and he had missed me? Suddenly he threw his head back and yelled, "God, how I hated high school. I am so glad to be through with it." I didn't understand. After I started playing basketball and met Patricia I'd come to like high school. I liked the popularity. Josh had been popular from day one; I didn't understand why he hated it. "Why?" I asked.

"I lost my best friend in my scramble to fit in, to conform to the demands of my peers. I am so sorry, Davy. I could see the hurt in your eyes but, I felt so helpless. I couldn't be your friend and be one of them. I guess I wasn't worthy of being your friend. I made the wrong choice, because when it was over I didn't care about them or what they thought. I found that I did care about what you thought of me. I am so ashamed. How could you possibly think anything good of me?"

His head was bowed as he cried. I wanted to move over to hold and comfort him, but I knew if I touched him I'd have another hard-on. That couldn't happen. I sat and stared at the top of his head. "I guess I was always the lucky one. I started out being picked on and found my hero. Then in high school I started out being an outcast and ended up being a basketball star, Homecoming King and Valedictorian. And now I have the chance to have my best friend back."

Josh raised his head and stared at me. "I don't deserve to be your friend, much less your best friend."

"Josh, even while I was hurting I could see the regret in your eyes when you looked at me. Although I wouldn't have admitted it; I did understand. Peer pressure is a force a young kid has little choice but to give in to it or be an outcast."

"Still that doesn't alleviate what I did to you."

"I sighed, "Look, it’s all in the past, let's forget it and start over."

Life got really busy for us both, very quickly. Days filled with classes and practice. We didn't see much of each other except on weekends.

One Friday evening Josh announced, "Tomorrow night I want to take you out for dinner, but you have to drive. This place wouldn't let my car into their parking lot."

"Josh you don't have to take me to an expensive place. I appreciate the thought, but let's go someplace your car would be accepted."

"Nope. I've already made reservations."

"Well," I said, "I guess it's a date."

Josh immediately blushed. I stammered out that I didn't mean it was like a boy/girl date. Just that I accepted. Jeez, talk about embarrassing one's self and him.

Seeing how upset I was Josh said, "No. This is a date. But just as two friends." He grinned evilly at me and added, "Just don't expect a kiss when it's over."

I was embarrassed all over again. He laughed.

We dressed up and were on the way out the door when one of the big dumb football linebackers passed us in the hall. "You two sissies going out on a date?"

I was glad the light was rather dim in the hallway; I know I blushed. But Josh gave back as good as he took it, now. "Shame you can't get a date, Jimbo. But then it would probably be with a cow if you could find one."

"Fuck you, Josh."

We laughed heartily as we took to the stairs.

Dinner was nice. The food was way over priced and I made Josh promise never to go to such a place again while we were still students. Nevertheless, we enjoyed ourselves just being two buddies out for dinner. When we got back to the dorm I couldn't help but step in front of Josh and pucker my lips. He grabbed my arm, called me a shithead and yanked me into our room. I was feeling good and laughed. As soon as the door closed he grabbed me again and kissed me soundly on my lips. Then he pushed me back on my bed, with a forceful, "There. Satisfied?"

That stopped my laughing. I sat up and looked at him. He glared at me. The corner of his mouth was twitching like he was fighting off a smile. I put on a big hopeful look and asked, "Is that all?"

"Fuck you, Dave. Stop playing around."

He yanked off his clothes put on a pair of cut off sweats and grabbed a text book. I hadn't moved. He glared at me. "It was a joke all right?"

I nodded and proceeded to follow his lead. For the next hour neither of us said a word. When he turned out his study lamp to get into bed, I said, "I didn't mean to upset you, Josh. I was just joking around, too. I enjoyed the evening. Thanks."

He mumbled something and pulled the covers over himself and turned to face the wall. I turned out my lamp and sat watching him until I heard him snoring. I got into bed and stared at the dark ceiling until sleep finally overtook my tumultuous thoughts. The next morning we both acted like nothing had happened; except I jacked off in the shower thinking about that kiss.

***

The Saturday before the Thanksgiving break some guys down the hall had a party. The whole floor was invited, so Josh and I went. I wasn't much into drinking. I hate losing control. I had a beer in my hand as I laughed and joked with all the guys and watched several bottles of hard stuff getting passed around. I got a fresh beer after about an hour and stretched out in the middle of the couch and relaxed. I closed my eyes and someone took the can of beer out of my hand. I assumed so I wouldn't spill it.

There was a guy sitting on each end of the sofa with me spread eagle in the middle. I kind of zoned out just listening to the chatter and music. Next thing I knew someone was sitting next to me. I peeked through my heavy eyelids. It was Josh. He lifted my arm off the back of the sofa and said, "Move over and give me a little room, Dave." I didn't budge nor did I open my eyes. He poked me in the ribs. I didn't respond. I heard someone say, "I think he's passed out. Maybe you better get him back to his room before he hurls in here."

Josh swore. "Hey guys, give me a hand. I gotta get him back to the room."

I knew at that point I should sit up and let them know I wasn't drunk. But before I could, there were a dozen hands on me as they lifted me into the air and carried me down the hall. Someone groped me and I got hard. There were several chuckles and some ribald comments to the effect that “I wasn’t too drunk to get a hard on.” I kept my eyes closed and pretended that I was out cold. They unceremoniously dumped me on the bed and left me to lie as I had landed. I heard the door close.

I was just about to sit up when I realized Josh was still in the room. He shook my shoulder. "Hey, Dave, wake up. Come on, man, sit up and help me get your clothes off." He shook me again. "Fuck, you never drink. How the hell did you get drunk enough to pass out. I should have kept an eye on you. Come on, Dave. Shit. I guess I better get your clothes off and put you to bed.”

At this point I couldn't let him know I was faking it. I felt him pull my shoes off and then my socks. Next thing I know he's unbuckling my belt. My cock which was still half hard started filling up again. Josh rubbed his hand lightly over my hardness. "Fuck," he whispered. "Why do you affect me this way, Dave?"

He left my pants and unbuttoned my shirt. Pulling out the tails he spread it open exposing my chest and belly. He let out a ragged sigh. And then I felt his fingertips trailing softly over the hair on my abs. "God, you are so beautiful, Dave," he whispered. I felt his breath on my chest and then his wet tongue on my left nipple. I couldn't help but whimper. The bed jiggled as he jumped away.

"Dammit, I know you're awake. Open your eyes, Dave." I continued to play possum. "I know a way to get you to stop this game." He straddled my hips and started tickling me. I don't know where I found the control, but I just groaned and turned onto my side.

He stopped and sat back. "I guess you really are out of it."

He crawled off me and off the bed. Rolling me onto my back, he undid the buttons on my Levi's. I was forever going commando unless I put on slacks, so when he undid the last button my snake slithered up and out. The cool air felt so good on it. I moaned again. He glanced up at me and said, "You fucker." Grabbing hold of my waist band he tugged the jeans down under my butt and then took hold of the leg bottoms and pulled them off.

He watched my cock throbbing for a bit before he sat down beside me and pulled me into a sitting position. I draped myself over him like I didn't have a bone in my body. He held me in an embrace for a few moments. I felt a kiss on my neck. "I love you, Dave," he whispered. "I love you, too," I mumbled. He held me away from him so he could look at me. I let my head fall forward as though I were out of it. "Dave, are you awake?" he softly asked. I lay back on him. "I love you, Joshy." I let out a long sigh. Josh commenced removing my shirt while trying to hold me upright. "I don't know why you have to get drunk to tell me that, you fucker," he said. I didn't respond.

Once he had my shirt off, he laid me back and pulled the covers down and out from under me. He aligned me on the bed and pulled the covers back up. I thought that was the end of it, but I was in for a surprise. Josh quickly removed his clothes and crawled in beside me.

"I don't know what your reaction is going to be when you wake up, you big lummox. But I'll swear we were both drunk if it's negative. I may regret this tomorrow. But I'm going to relish it right now."

He wrapped a hand around my throbbing cock and pressed himself against me. I lost it. I started cumming. Josh threw off the sheet and covered my cock head with his mouth. I shot the last four squirts down his throat.

I figured it was time to regain consciousness. I groaned, "Oh God that was so good." I ran my fingers through his hair as he continued to hold my cock in his mouth. "I want to do that to you, Josh." I pulled him up to me and started kissing him. At first I got no reaction and then he was kissing me back with gusto.

He finally pulled away and looked down at me. I smiled at him. "It's a shame we have to get drunk to let ourselves show how we feel." I said. He looked doubtful. "I still think you were faking it." I smiled at him and said, "Does it matter? You know now that I love you. And I know that you love me."

"Maybe I'm faking it, too."

I looked it to his sparkling blue eyes. "Were you?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No, were you?"

I studied him a moment. "Does it matter?"

He grinned. "No. Not as long as you meant what you said."

"I meant it, Josh. I meant it."

"Me, too, Dave. Me, too."