Josh's Journey

By Dragonwriter

Chapter Five~ Conversely Speaking

My feet weren't seriously hurt, I had just run the skin off of them. The right one was tender for several days, but by Friday evening the left one had stopped hurting. Kel dragged me to his doctor Thursday morning, who looked me over, then gave me a stern lecture about abusing my body. He wrote a prescription for some antibiotics to prevent infection. He gave Kel an even sterner lecture about his weight and blood pressure. I asked a few questions about Kel’s health and told Dr Gower I would do my best to ensure he ate regularly.

"You're looking better than you have looked since the split with Kara," Dr. Gower told Kel. "Your BP is low, as usual, but not dangerously low. Your color is good. You were so pale in the hospital. And its a relief to see you smile.”

He was concerned about the bruises on Kel's shoulder but not unduly concerned. His diagnosis concurred with Dr. Reicher, that it was lack of padding on his shoulders that caused the bruising. But Dr. Gower had his nurse take some blood from Kel to run a few tests on.

"Just to be certain, but I think they will all be negative." He pointed to Kel. "YOU need to put on some weight."

Kel flushed and nodded.

“I hate needles,” he confessed while we waited for the nurse. “They frightened me into screaming fits as a child, they still make me VERY nervous.”

I sat in a chair and held Kel’s hand or rather he held mine. He had a death grip on my hand. His eyes were locked on mine. For a few minutes, I was drowning in green iridescence, they were so deep. We left the doctor’s office hand in hand, me hobbling on wrapped feet.

“I feel like the mummy,” I told Kel with a grin.

We stopped at my apartment to pick up some fresh clothes. Kel insisted that I stay at his place for the weekend, so he could take care of my feet. I protested feebly but gave in rather easily. Stupid I am NOT! The driveway at my apartment was empty. Neither the woman in the front apartment nor Mitch were home. I led Kel around back to the door. It opened into a narrow hallway then into the kitchen. The sun was flooding through the kitchen windows. There was a pile of dishes in the sink and the dryer was running. Mitch hadn't been gone long. Kel walked around looking at everything while I sorted through a pile of clothes in the hamper looking for clean underwear and socks that somewhat matched.

"It's small," I said.

"Cozy," Kel grinned, "And I assume that's why there's a dresser in the kitchen?"

I grinned and walked across the kitchen to open the door to my bedroom. Kel peered in around me. The room was just big enough for the queen sized bed and a bar running across the end of the room to hang my clothes on.

"Goodness, I'd suffocate in here," Kel said. But he ducked under my arm and flopped on the bed. He rolled over and over until he bumped against the wall. He rolled back til he bumped the other wall.

"It's like a giant crib," he giggled. "How did you get a bed in here?"

I leaned against the door frame. The sight of Kel in my bed was having a positive effect on my cock. "We assembled the frame in here and brought the mattress in sideways."

Kel stretched, his body catlike and sleek. He kicked off his shoes and struck a pose. Kel ran his hand seductively down his side and across his hip. I was most definitely hard now.

"Hey sailor," he said, his voice husky and inviting. "You gonna just stand there and let lil ole me lie here by myself."

"No way!" I replied pulling the door shut.

I yanked my shirt over my head. The sight of Kel on my bed was almost enough to make me cum. I crawled up the bed to his lips. Kel tangled his fingers in my hair and pulled my head down. I was drowning in him again, in his sweet mouth and his bony body pressed under me. I could smell his shampoo and taste the mint he had sucked on in the car.

Sometime later, Kel snuggled up to my side. He laid his head on my chest and lazily traced circles on my stomach with his fingers. I ran my fingers through his curls. He sighed in contentment as I caressed his side. The feel of ribs and scars made my stomach ache. I wondered if I would ever get to the point of not wanting to cry every time I felt them. But they were Kel: all a part of the man I loved.

“I changed the dedication in my book,” Kel said.

“Hmmm?” I murmured, my eyes closed enjoying his fingers on my body.

“It now says “For the dream that danced into my life and promised to protect me always. To the voice I adore and the smile I drown in. Always and forever for Josh.”

“Kel,” I said my voice breaking.

Kel rolled over onto his knees. His face hovered above mine.

“Always and forever for Josh,” he whispered and I pulled him down in a bone crushing hug.

We easily found all of our clothes except for one sneaker of Kel's; which puzzled me: it wasn't as if there was much of anyplace it could go in my room! Finally Kel lay down on the floor and squirmed under the bed. I lifted the end of the bed.

"Found it!" He shouted the sound muffled by the bed.

"How on Earth did it get there?" I asked when he popped back out grinning. I set the bed down with a thump.

"Walked there, I suppose," Kel said grinning.

Mitch hadn’t returned before we left. I wondered if he had traded shifts with someone at the restaurant. He waited tables and was surprisingly very good at it. He had customers that regularly requested to be seated in his area. I left him a note explaining where I was and asking him to call me there because I really did want to talk to him.

True to Kel’s prediction, Sam showed up in the evening. He fussed over me until Kel couldn’t keep it in anymore and exploded in an attack of the giggles. Sam scowled at him then started laughing as well. Pretty quick all three of us sounded like refugees from a leaking helium factory.

“All right Josh, I’ll stop acting like your Mom.” He grinned. “But you let me know if you need anything.”

“I will,” I said hugging Sam.

After he left, Kel went to his den to get some more work done on his book. I hadn’t realized all the work that goes into a book: the initial writing and then the rewriting. Kel was correcting the proofs, basically a process of going through a written copy and making sure the publisher hadn’t mixed anything up as well as making any last minute revisions.

“By the time I am finished with the proofs, I can’t stand the book anymore!” He told me when he first explained the process to me. I left him alone, I'd kept him away from his work long enough.

Feeling lazy, I stretched out on the couch in the TV room and tried to watch a movie. However, my attention just couldn’t seem to stay on it. I reached for the phone and dialed a familiar number.

“Hello?” The woman’s voice was rich and melodic. She had a beautiful singing voice and was a favorite for solos in the church choir.

“Mama,” I said.

“JOSH!” She said surprised.

I could almost see her sitting on the couch by me. Her hair was black like mine and her skin and eyes were a soft brown. She was usually assumed to be Mexican not Indian. She was tall for a woman but her sons towered over her. Rafe and I looked the most like her with high cheekbones, prominent noses and pointed chins.

“Yes, Mama. I need you,” I said softly.

“Oh my Josh, what’s wrong?”

“Mama, I’m in love. And I am scared.”

“Scared? Why, Josh?”

I told her about Kel, about his mental illness, about his childhood abuse, and about his suicide attempt. She cried, as I knew she would. She listened as I poured out my fears, my hopes and my love. I told her about my feet and how Kel had mothered me the night before.

"I love him, Mama," I said softly.

"I can tell you do," she answered. "Your letter to Jem got here today. It was obvious from what you wrote you were head over heels in love."

"All ready?" I said in surprise. "I only dropped it in the box Sunday. And anyway, I had only just met Kel, just danced a little with him at the club."

"Well, its here. And its pretty obvious you were already crazy about him - two pages worth of obvious even if all you had done was dance. And you're right, Jem has read his books." She laughed softly. "He brought me one and said 'Look Mama, here's Josh's Kel.' I looked at the picture and said 'Your brother is now dating GIRLS!?'"

I laughed. I could picture the look of surprise and confusion on her face.

"'No, Mama, Jem said. Kel is a guy.' He is a very pretty man, Josh." Mama's voice was soft with affection.

I smiled, "Yes Mama, he is. And so very fragile looking. I think I know which picture Jem showed you. Kel does look very feminine in it. But he's all male, trust me."

"Mama? What do I do?" I went on after a small pause. “How do I keep from messing Kel up even more?”

“Well first of all you stop whinging about yourself.” Her voice was gentle but firm. “Then you decide if he is what you really want. If he is all that you are telling me he is then you proceed forward with patience and love. If he is just something to tie you over until the quote ‘real thing’ comes along then get out NOW. That will do far more damage than any bumbling but sincere attempt to love him. ”

“Sam told me about the same thing Mama. He said if I wasn’t serious to kiss him and say goodbye but Kel is the real thing. I’d marry him if I could, Mama.” I cleared my throat, “I want to love him and make him laugh. I want to protect him. I’ll dry his tears and hold him when he hurts. I want to make him happy, Mama. His smile is the brightest thing, brighter than the sun. I would do anything to make him smile.”

“Oh Josh,” Mama was silent for a moment. “Josh, it sounds to me like you know what to do, you just need someone to tell you, you are right. Patience and the ability to forgive are needed in every relationship, maybe double in yours. You already know how tiring it can be at times to love someone who is mentally ill. You know that sometimes they just need space, a LOT of space and other times they can't get enough of your company. I would suggest finding a support group for family members of people who are mentally ill. They can help a lot and have resources to get you counseling if you need it.”

“Kel is working on that already, Mama.” We talked about the support group at home and the ways they had helped with Anita. We talked some more about Kel and how I felt about him.

“Mama, how is Anita?” I asked finally.

“She is doing excellent. She is on a new medicine and the nightmares are very rare now. She functions in a regular classroom and is going to graduate this spring. She is a year behind her peers but Anita is very excited about finally graduating and with a regular class.”

“That’s the best news I’ve heard in ages. Tell her congratulations from me.”

“Why don’t you tell her yourself?” Mama’s voice was soft. “She is hoping you will come to the graduation. But she’s afraid to ask you.”

“Why? How can she be afraid to ask ME?”

“Because she told you she hated you and she hoped you’d die in the States,” Mama sighed. “You and I know she didn’t mean it. But she needs to hear it from YOU.”

“Yes. I understand. Is she home?”

“Of course. Let me get her.” Mama set the phone down. I heard the sound of her feet on the hardwood floors as she walked towards the stairs. I stared at my hand in my lap. I had been so hurt when Anita had yelled at me. She had thrown things at me. I knew she didn’t really mean it; she'd just been angry and frightened. Nevertheless, it had still hurt.

“Hello?” Anita’s voice was barely above a whisper at the best of times.

“Nita?”

“JOSH?! OH MY GOD JOSH!” I held the phone away from my ear and let her run down.

“How are you, sweetheart?” I asked.

She told me about her school and the new medicine, about the kittens in the barn and all the other things that excites nineteen year old girls. She spoke so quickly that several times, I had to tell her to slow down and for once; I had almost no trouble hearing her.

“Josh, I was so awful to you. Can you ever forgive me?” she asked her voice dropping to barely audible.

“Of course, I can Nita. You’re my baby sister. I love you.” I answered.

“OH, Josh! I love you too. I was just so afraid of what would happen to me if you left. Now I understand why you left. Erik explained to me about the guys in town.”

“Remind me to thank Erik. Mama says you are going to graduate this spring. How about if I and Kel, if he’s free, come up to see it?” I yanked the phone away from my ears as another scream of delight fractured my ear.

“OH YES! YES! YES!” She cried.

We talked for a little more before I hung up. I was feeling happy; a very heavy weight had been lifted from my heart. Anita, like Jem, was special to me. There was something about both of my younger siblings that none of my older ones had, I didn’t know what it was but they were just special to me.

Suddenly I was missing Kel. The trip across the basement seemed to take only three or four steps. I stopped in the doorway to the den. Kel was hunched over his desk. The desk sat so he could keep an eye on the door. I suppose abused children never turn their back on a door. Crystal raised her golden head and looked at me, Tova wagged his tail, his black head lying on Crystal’s back. Black on gold, a splash of color in the middle of the floor.

“Looks like love,” I said softly. Kel jumped slightly. He looked at me puzzled. I nodded to the canines on the floor and he grinned widely.

“Are you hungry?” I asked.

“Yes, surprisingly I think I am,” Kel said.

During dinner, we talked about Kel’s progress on the book. I told him about my phone call and offered to pay for it. He waved the suggestion away. I told him about Anita.

“I am so glad to hear she’s feeling better about you being down here.” Kel said. “ I can see how much it’s hurt you. Yes, let's DO go to her graduation.” He grinned all mischief. “It’ll be fun and I want to see the looks on people’s faces when they see you. And US.”

“I have grown a bit since moving here.”

“I can’t imagine anyone bothering you now,” he leered at me. “Unless its me, of course.”

After dinner and the dishes were safely stowed in the dishwasher, we grabbed a couple of drinks and went downstairs to watch some TV before going to bed. About midnight the phone rang. Kel groaned and groped for the phone in the mess on the end table.

“Hello?” He mumbled. “Huh? Uh yeah here he is. Its for you, Josh.”

I took the phone ice water running down my back. Had something happened back home? Had something happened to Anita? Or to Jem?

“Hello?” I said.

“Josh? Its Mitch.” I leaned against the headboard. “Sorry, I didn’t think you’d be asleep.” There was a pause. “Ah heck, its midnight! Sorry Josh!”

“It’s okay, Mitch. Look, I am sorry I haven’t been around lately.”

“No, its okay Josh. I am a possessive bitch, you know that.”

I laughed. “ Yeah, I do know.”

Mitch laughed again, which started me laughing and soon we were talking as two old friends do: in half sentences and finishing each other's thoughts. Mitch quizzed me about my feet and I told him what the doctor had said. He asked me about Kel and I filled him in on the info, omitting of course the personal details of Kel’s childhood. Mitch told me about a guy he had met at the restaurant.

“That’s where I was when you stopped by, he asked me out to lunch!”

“YEAH! All right!” I yelled.

Kel groaned and pulled his pillow over his head. I laughed and caressed his arm. Mitch and I chatted some more about our new guys until I started yawning.

“I’ll let you go, Josh. I just wanted to let you know how crappy I felt about my tantrum the other day. I just had wanted to tell you about Will and you weren’t around and, well I am sorry.”

“Its cool, Mitch. We’ll all get together; you can meet Kel and I can meet Will.”

I hung up the phone leaning over Kel. I peeked under the pillow, and then settled back down in bed. Kel snuggled up to my belly and I wrapped my arm around him. A light kiss on the back of his neck and I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next morning at my usual time. I was half way to the kitchen when I remembered I didn’t have to work today. However, I was awake so I made a pot of coffee and let the dogs out. I glanced at the calendar on the side of the fridge, Friday September 14, 1990. The 14th! Xan’s birthday was Sunday. His lover Kaleb was throwing him a party. I wondered if they’d be up yet. I checked the clock: 5:45 am. I decided I’d better wait a bit.

I poured a cup of coffee and perched on a barstool. Looking out at the drizzly September morning, I thought about the relationships in my life. Xan was my best friend, after Kel of course. He was probably the only deaf mechanic in Seattle. I met him at a car show; his cousin was with him to translate. We had hit it off almost immediately. He was a motor head through and through and had been working on cars since he was tall enough to look over the front end of a car. Tall, blond and sultry, he had made my heart pound and my cock harden. I was just about ready to ask him out when he met Kaleb.

Kaleb was practically as wide as he was tall, 5’7” and solid hard packed muscle. He was the owner of an up and coming computer company. According to Xan, Kaleb was a business genius, who had graduated college at 19. In 1985, he started his company at age 20, when computers were still mostly a toy for geeks or glorified typewriters for college students. Now five years later, Kaleb was doing a power business.

It was a couple minutes before seven when I picked up the phone and dialed the house number. Kaleb had a TTY at the house for Xan, but it required another TTY on my end to be effective. I also had the number of a translating service, but if Kaleb were home, I wouldn’t need their help.

“Hello, Konnor Kommunications,” Kaleb’s voice resonated through the phone line.

“Kaleb? Its Josh, is Xan home?” I asked.

“Nope, sorry Josh. He left ten minutes ago to take Dora to school before work. Apparently her car crapped out on her last night.”

“Hmmm, good thing little brother is a mechanic,” I grinned at the phone.

“You betcha, give him about 20 and you should be able to call the shop if you need him. His manager signs.”

“Nah, it wasn’t important.”

“Okay.” There was a crunching in my ear. “Umm sorry, crisp apple, I'm out of practice talking with people that hear. I‘ve spent the last week troubleshooting the computers at the Deaf Rec Center." He chuckled. "Say, you ARE coming to the party Sunday, aren’t you?” Kaleb took another bite of the apple.

“Yes, that’s what I was calling about. Is it okay if I bring someone?”

“Okay? Hell yes. Its at the Manhattan, I reserved the banquet room. Bring a whole squadron, plenty of room.”

“Pretty classy,” I said. “ Aren’t you part owner of that restaurant?”

“Yeah, silent partner. I provided the cash and get a return on my investment. I know PISS about the restaurant business. And frankly I DON’T want to know more, I’ll stick to computers, thank you,” Kaleb chuckled.

“The only things I know about restaurants are what Mitch has told me," I grimaced at the phone. “I think construction is enough for me.”

“Speaking of which,” Kaleb’s voice was smooth. “Have you ever considered becoming an independent contractor? Its really the only way to make money in construction.”

“That’s what Sam tells me. But I need some more experience.”

"Yeah, get experience," Kaleb bit his apple again. “Well, think about it.”

“And you would bankroll it - for a small profit, of course.”

“Of course,” I could hear his grin. “ But very small, Xan would kill me otherwise.”

“I’ll keep it in mind, Kaleb. Well, tell Xan I said we’d be there Sunday.” I gave Kaleb Kel’s number.

“Yup, see you then Josh.”

“Be where Sunday?” I jumped and whirled around. Kel was standing at the end of the bar. His face was withdrawn, expressionless. Chills ran down my bare back.

“Sunday is Xan’s birthday. Kaleb is throwing a party for him.”

“At the Manhattan,” I added nervously when Kel didn‘t respond.

Kel didn’t say anything. His face still looked empty and distant.

“Kel?“ I said softly.

This wasn’t my Kel; it was a stranger in my Kel’s body. I swallowed nervously and wondered what was going to happen next. Kel walked to the fridge and opened the door. He took out a Coke and left the kitchen. I heard him walk down the stairs. I leaned on the counter. My head dropped onto my arms and I slumped to my knees.

I don’t know how long I sat there, huddled on the floor staring out into the yard, tears leaking out of my eyes, after awhile I wiped them off and climbed to my feet. I went down the hall to the bathroom and took a quick shower. The shower gave me time to think and consider what to do next. While I was in the bathroom, I looked at Kel’s medications and counted pills. I worked the math out in my head. After the shower, I dressed and limped downstairs cautiously. In one hand, I carried gauze and ace bandages; in the other, I carried three pill bottles. Kel was working in his den.

“Kel? I said softly.

He looked up and smiled at me. MY Kel was back. Relief flowed down my back like liquid heat. I knew that smile. The sparkle was back in his eyes.

“Good morning,” he said warmly, turning his chair away from the desk..

“Good morning,” I crossed the room at a fast limp and kissed him. He responded quickly and as the Kel I knew.

“Will you wrap my feet?” I sat down on the floor and held out the gauze and ace bandage.

“Of course,” he said taking them from me and putting my foot in his lap.

“So anyway, you were saying something about Sunday?” He said as he wrapped my foot.

I leaned back on my arms and explained to him about Xan’s party. I told him about Kaleb and his computer company. I repeated the phone conversation back to Kel who listened attentively. There was no indication of the lack of interest he had shown upstairs. He was intent on tending to my foot but he was listening to me as well. He nodded as he wrapped first one foot and then the other. When he finished, I sat up and crossed my legs under me. I swallowed nervously.

“Kel?” I said slowly pulling the pill bottles out from under my leg. “Kel, I don’t think you’ve been getting all your meds. You seem rather -” I paused considering my words. “Well, you seemed very distant this morning and now you are yourself. Or at least the Kel I am most used to-”

Kel’s eyes sparked and he opened his mouth. Instead of saying anything he clamped his jaws shut and spun his chair around. He hunched over and didn't move. I scrambled up and knelt beside the chair.

“Kel?”

I forced the chair to turn toward me. Kel was crying: a silent haunted crying that sent chills down my back. From apathy to happy to miserably crying all in about an hour, his emotions were slamming out of control.

“Oh, Kel,” I tucked his head into my shoulder. “Its okay. I am here.”

He let out a shuddering cry and started shaking. I pulled him out of the chair and into my lap. I held him close and rubbed his back and hair. I spoke to him softly, soothingly as one would to a child. He had been very hyper - manic even - the day before, full of playful energy. Now today he was crashing at the other end of the spectrum. I ached for him.

“Josh, what would I do without you? I haven‘t even been out a week and I am already messing up,” he whispered to my chest.

“God willing, you will never have to find out. And you‘re not messing up, I am distracting you, messing up your routine,” I said softly into his hair. He straightened up and turned in my lap so that he was straddling me. His hands rested on my shoulders.

“Thank you, Josh. For just being here.”

“Of course, Kel. I'm here for you, I'm not going anywhere.” I brushed the hair away from his face.

Kel picked up the bottles from the floor. He studied them, opened the bottles and shook one pill from each into his hand and then recapped the bottles. He looked up at me. His face was sad but not the empty, expressionless face of earlier.

“These are my anti depressants. Without them I am on an emotional roller coaster high, low, high, low.”

I nodded, my suspicions were correct. He had been manic for days and was depressive today. I stretched up, got his Coke off the desk, and handed it to him. He tossed the pills into the back of his throat and took a quick swallow. I started to put the drink back but he stopped me.

“No, it shouldn’t be so close to the proofs or the computer for that matter, if I had been thinking straight I wouldn’t have put it there to begin with.” His eyes glimmered with new tears.

I put the can on a shelf under the desk and pulled him tight into a hug. I just wanted to hold him, to take the shadows away, to bring back the smile and the Kel I loved so much.

Kel wrapped his arms around my neck and clung to me. I rocked him and whispered softly in his ear. I told him how much I loved him, how much I wanted to keep him safe. I whispered that I had never had as much fun as I had in his company. I teased him about crawling under my bed and slowly he started to relax. He slumped against me. I wanted to carry him to bed but I wasn't certain my feet would support us. So, I just held him.

Kel’s head rested against my shoulder, his arm around my neck. He ran his fingers lightly over my cheek. I shivered and twisted my head to kiss his fingers; he sighed.

“Kel?” I said softly. “Will you go to Xan’s party with me? I would like you to meet my friends.”

Kel raised his head and looked at me.

“Thank you,” he said simply.

“For what?” I was truly puzzled.

“For making me a part of your life. For just being here.”

I hugged him. My heart was pounding and there was an ache in my throat. He clung to my shoulders. His thin body was shaking. I held him and rocked him.

“Patience and love, Mama,” I thought. “I’ll always give him patience and love.”

“You ARE a part of my life now, Kel. I told you I’d be there always and I mean it. I am not running off just because you cry, or yell, or whatever. I’m gonna be here for you. Always.”

Revised October 29, 2006