Josh’s Journey

By Dragonwriter

Chapter Two- Monday

Sunday was honestly the LONGEST day I have ever spent in my entire life! The minutes seemed to last for hours. Mitch showed up early, about 5 am, with a screaming hangover but no apparent injuries. Crystal, my dog, who is half golden retriever and half who knows what-he-didn't-leave-a-calling-card jumped up to kiss him and instead hit him square in the forehead with her snout. Mitch let out a howl of pain and collapsed into a sobbing pile on the floor. I sent Crystal to bed and helped Mitch into his bed. I hadn't lied to Kel when I told him Mitch wasn't my boyfriend. We had played around together in our early teens but by the time we had decided to leave Alberta, we were just best friends.

Later that afternoon, while Mitch slept, Crystal and I went for a long run in the park to try to work off some of my restlessness and anticipation. I wondered constantly what Kel was doing and whether he was as anxious as I was. And his back: my stomach churned every time I remembered the feel of his ribs jutting out and the narrow bands of overlapping scar tissue.

By evening, Mitch said I was driving him crazy with my restless pacing and nervous cleaning and left to go see a movie. I hoped that was where he was really going, but I wouldn't follow him. I packed my gym bag with some of the few nice clothes I had: a white button down shirt and a pair of black jeans. Into the bag went a pair of clean underwear, carefully checked for holes and a pair of sneakers. I would leave my heavy work boots in my car. I usually took them off soon as I left work anyway. I hate wearing shoes.

Mitch returned around 9 pm surprisingly sober. We talked for a while then went to bed. I lay awake listening to Crystal’s breathing and thinking. I remembered the frightened look on Kel's face. He was a man with secrets and fears. How much did I want to get involved? Before drifting off, I decided I wanted to do anything I could to make those fears go away. I was willing to mend Kel's fences if he'd let me.

When my alarm went off the next morning, I shot straight up almost toppling Crystal over: she had been sleeping with her head on my stomach. The apartment was cool and the water in the shower was almost equally as cold. My next paycheck would get a new hot water heater. I was tired of waiting on the landlord. I poured a cup of coffee for my breakfast and added a healthy dollop of milk. My father said Sanclere blood was three-fifths coffee and I believed him. I lived on the stuff. After dressing in an old T-shirt, worn jeans and a sweatshirt, I checked that Mitch’s alarm was set and fed Crystal before leaving for work.

All through the day, I could not get my mind off of Kel. The way he walked, the way he danced: that loose-jointed way he had of moving. I could hear his voice and I must have gone through everything he had said to me at least a dozen times. Several of my coworkers commented that I must have had quite a weekend because I my head was so high in the clouds. Several of them knew I was gay and as for the rest I didn't care what they thought.

The drive to Kel's was uneventful. The suburb he lived in was about twenty years old with houses built primarily in low rambler style with the garages out in front. By the time I got there the rain that had been threatening all day was coming down. I pulled into Kel’s driveway and sat in the car nervously for a couple of minutes before I climbed out of the car. Grabbing my gym bag, I sprinted up the side of the garage to the porch. There were twisted banners of bright rainbow colors and windsocks hanging from the edge of the porch. Smiling I reached up and ran my fingers through one made of silky strings hanging from a wooden hoop.

The front door opened a scant moment before my knuckles could make contact. Had he been shorter, I would have rapped on Kel’s forehead.

“Good Evening,” he said, straining to keep a hold of the collar of the large, furry creature trying to get out the door.

“Is that a WOLF?!” I said in surprise.

“Yep.” He answered. “Highly illegal in the city limits but-”

Kel smiled. He pat the wolf on its head. “Tova, that's his name, won’t hurt you. Please come in.”

“Wow.” I looked from the wolf to Kel. I thought that if that wolf came after me Kel would hardly be more than a distraction. He was a big boy, large than Crystal and deeper in the chest. Shiny black fur covered his back and sides; his face was haloed in white with a splash of white on his lower muzzle and chin.

As I stepped forward, a cat shot out the door raced between my feet and disappeared around the edge of the house.

“What the-?” I said in surprise.

“That was Misty, taking a well deserved break from the kittens. I should have asked you before: You don’t have allergies do you?”

“Nope.” I said. “I grew up on a horse ranch. Animals I know how to deal with.”

I looked at Kel. He was dressed in a black shirt and black pants. His face was flushed with excitement and his eyes were gleaming. The clothes looked about a size too large reaffirming my suspicion that he had recently been sick. He stepped back and let me into the house. The front room looked unused: just a couple of couches and end tables. There were stairs leading down on the left and straight in front of me to the back of the house were patio doors, jazz music drifted up from that direction. Kel gestured to me to follow and walked towards the back. Tova, the wolf, padded alongside of him soundlessly.

The back of the house was obviously where Kel spent more of his time. A small kitchen/ dining room divided by a long counter occupied one side of the house. The other side had a large overstuffed couch and a similar loveseat. There was a book on the couch and a soda on the coffee table. A floor to ceiling birdcage took up one corner of the room. The door was open and it was empty.

"Mmm, whatever you're cooking smells fantastic!" I said.

Kel blushed. "It’s just tacos and enchiladas… with homemade salsa. I had planned on eating on the patio, but as usual the Great Pacific Northwest has refused to cooperate."

"Yum." I brushed his cheek with my fingers. Kel grasped my wrist. He looked up at me, his eyes shiny and his mouth slightly open. My hand curved under his chin and I tipped my head and kissed him. He sighed softly against my lips. His hand tightened around my wrist.

“I have got to have a shower.” I said regretfully breaking off the kiss. “I have been working all day and I probably smell worse that a wet dog.”

Kel grinned. “You smell fine to me, Josh.”

“That’s the tacos you’re smelling.” I grinned back at him.

“C’mon.” Kel gestured to me to follow him. Tova had been doing his own investigation of me and had apparently decided I was no threat to Kel; he lay down by the patio doors. I followed Kel down a hallway that ran perpendicular to the kitchen. At the end was the bathroom. Kel showed me where everything was and then left with a grin.

I showered quickly and changed into my good clothes. Brushing out my hair felt almost erotic after having it tied back all day. I decided not to put on my shoes because the whole house appeared carpeted and I really hate wearing shoes. My dirty clothes were hurriedly stuffed back into my gym bag. I left the bag in the bathroom; I would get it before I went home.

The smells from the kitchen pulled me down the hall. Dimly I noticed two closed doors as I passed by them. In the kitchen, Kel was scraping ground beef from a frying pan into a chili pepper shaped bowl. On the table in front of the patio doors were several smaller pepper shaped bowls with all the fixings for tacos in them. I leaned against the fridge door and just watched Kel. His movements were so smooth, graceful and precise. He picked up the bowl and turned toward me.

“OH!” He jumped startled at finding me behind him and almost dropped the bowl. I caught it pinning his hands against the bottom of the bowl.

“You surprised me,” he said. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”

“It’s okay. I just get, umm, jumpy sometimes.”

I let go of his hands and stepped back. He had that scared look on his face again. I wondered where it had come from and what on Earth I had done to cause it.

“This is a pretty big place for just one person.” I said to move the conversation to a safer topic.

“Oh, I haven’t always lived here alone.” Kel shrugged. He walked around the counter and put the bowl on the table. He turned back toward me.

“Usually there is someone else here: a friend needing a place to crash for awhile and I’m not exactly a hermit, you know. I HAVE had lovers living here.” He grinned. “I almost got married about 8 months ago.”

“So why didn’t you?” I leaned back against the fridge and crossed my arms. “If that’s not too personal.”

“Well I realized that the young lady in question was much too needy to be married to someone like me. I disappear into my writing for days, even weeks at a time. I barely remember to eat and I’m not a good eater at the best of times, much less give attention to another person. And I didn’t think I had the emotional strength to be the rock she leaned on.” He shook his head. There were tears glistening in his eyes. “It wouldn’t have been a good idea at all- for either of us.”

I crossed the couple of feet to him in a single step and wrapped my arms around him. Kel leaned against me not talking for several minutes. I rubbed his back lightly. He sighed. I cupped his chin and lifted his head. He smiled and reached up to pull my head down to his lips. He flicked his tongue along my lips, teasing them. I opened my mouth to him. His tongue shot in and wrapped itself around mine. I moaned and sucked hard on his tongue. His hands slid up my arms to my shoulders and he hung on tightly. God, how he could kiss! I was on fire.

My hands slid up his back softly caressing it. The kiss deepened. Kel moaned softly. He stepped backwards breaking the kiss but stayed within the circle of my arms. Sometimes it's nice to be long limbed! He looked up at me.

"If we continue with that, dinner will never get eaten and I'll only embarrass myself trying to drag you down the hall to my bedroom," he said with a leer. I grinned. I had told him at the club that I never went to bed with a guy on the first date; apparently with the club crowd that made me an insufferable prude.

"Mmm, I am starved." I said.

"And growing boys MUST be fed." Kel laughed.

I let go of him reluctantly. It felt so right to have my arms around him; I felt strangely lonely. He gestured to me to take a chair. He went to the fridge and brought a couple of Cokes to the table. Kel crossed the ten feet or so to the oven and opened it; the room was filled with the smell of enchiladas. He carried the hot pan to the table and set it on a pair of owl shaped trivets. Kel sat down so close his knee touched mine under the table.

While we ate, we talked about small things. I talked about my family and my dog. Kel joked about his editor and how surprised he was when his books started to sell. He fed Tova bits of ground beef and cheese. I contemplated how easily we had gotten used to each other's company; it was as if we had been made for each other.

"Why did you leave home?" Kel asked. "As much as you love your family wasn't it hard to go so far away?"

"It was incredibly hard." I answered. "My family didn't take it very well when I told them." I could hear my sister crying. She had yelled at me when I told her; accused me of not loving her anymore.

"So why did you go?" Kel pressed.

I looked over his head towards the front of the house. "Sexual harassment doesn't just happen to women- it happens to boys as well." I looked back at Kel who was nodding.

"It had got to the point that neither Mitch nor I dared to go ANYwhere alone. We didn't know who might be waiting for us. Well, after being grabbed and shoved to my knees and having a sweaty crotch smashed into my face while his friends held my shoulders, I'd had enough! I was tired of having to keep one of my big brothers around to guard my back. I’m big and I can fight but I can’t handle three or four at one time." I was shaking with anger.

"Crap..what happened? They didn't.. force you, did they?"

"Nope. I shook them off and left Sid in the dust clutching his crotch and praying his equipment would stop hurting soon. But it’s so exhausting to fight the same battle day after day."

"I knew you could take care of yourself." Kel grinned. "Still why the States? Why Seattle?"

"That was Mitch's idea." I loaded up another taco. "He saw it in a movie and fell in love with the place. He was always going on about how wonderful it would be there and how great the States would be..."

Kel smiled a shy little smile. "I think I am glad he did."

I blushed and finished smearing salsa on my taco.

"Do you have a bird?" I gestured with my taco toward the cage.

"Yes." Kel nodded. "She's a cockatoo. Her name is Keeley. She's downstairs in the laundry room." I raised an eyebrow in an unspoken question. "That's where the kittens are," Kel went on. "Keeley refuses to leave them. I think Misty goes out more to get away from Keeley than to get away from the kittens. Keeley can be pretty bossy when she tries to mother the kits. Pretty soon they will be too big for Keeley to carry." He grinned. "That should cause no end of frustration for Keeley."

"A wolf, kittens, a bird- it's a zoo in here!" I laughed.

"Don't forget my rabbits on the patio." Kel grinned. He paused looking over my shoulder toward the patio door. "I was terribly worried about them last month." His face had that shadow, I had seen at the club, on it.

"What happened last month?" I asked softly.

"I spent it in the hospital,” Kel answered. There was a long pause. Kel stared off at the wall. When he looked at me, his eyes were dark and haunted.

" I ... tried to commit suicide.." His voice was barely more than a whisper. “Again.”

" Kel.."

I didn't know what to say. So instead of saying the wrong thing I took Kel's hand and led him to the couch. Tova followed. I sat down and then pulled him into my arms. He curled up next to me like a child. I stroked his back. Kel made a soft purring sound. I ran my fingers through his hair combing out the tangled black curls.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked. “I’ll listen.”

“I wasn’t going to tell you about it- not yet anyway.” He said softly against my chest.

“You are so," Kel paused. "Beautiful for lack of a better word. And so much of your beauty is that you don’t realize just how gorgeous you are.”

I blushed. “Thanks!”

Kel sat up. He crossed his legs on the couch and studied me. His face was serious.

Kel sat up. He crossed his legs on the couch and studied me. His face was serious. He laid his hand on my arm. Electricity shot up my arm. Tova laid his head in Kel’s lap. Kel’s other hand slowly stroked the huge head.

“I figured the other night at the club you’d just dance and then probably wander off. I know I am no great catch,’ his voice trailed off. I was scowling at him.

“Uh huh.” I said. “Don’t confuse me with that crowd. Besides,” I ran my finger across his lips. “I think you are very good looking- pretty even. And sympathetic and a great listener and.. well fantastic.”

Kel blushed. “Thank you. Pretty yeah, remind me to show you my publicity shots. My editor has a warped sense of humor.”

“All right then,” Kel went on. “Last month. I guess since you have already ‘seen’ my back I owe you an explanation.”

I was quiet. I wanted Kel to tell me in his own way, at his own pace.

“I was an abused child. A VERY abused child."

I swore. Kel held up his hand.

“It’s more complicated than that: I am also very schizophrenic with a touch of manic-depression thrown in just to keep things interesting. It’s controlled now by my medications. That’s why I don’t drink. But as a child there weren’t the kind of drugs, there are now. I spent most of the first 11 years of my life institutionalized.” His lips twisted in a sour smile. “Actually, those were the best years of my life, I think. I was spoiled rotten by the nurses. In addition, because I was prone to eat strange things, I was constantly watched. In the days before hard plastics, you had to make sure I gave my glass back right after drinking because I would bite it. I cut my mouth and lips many times. I never knew Christmas trees had lights on them until I became an adult.”

“Jeez.” I said softly. My fingers brushed his lips.

"I ate pencils, paper, rocks, dirt, glass.. I had an affection for crunchy things. I still do in fact.” He grinned at me. “Look at what I fixed for dinner. When I was in my teens, I would eat dry pasta sometimes three meals a day. Give me a bag of tortilla chips and I am one happy boy!”

“Well anyway, in about '72 or '73 my father changed jobs; his new one wouldn’t pay to keep his crazy son locked up. So I came here to live, and not only was my life turned upside down, so was my parent's quiet life. Suddenly they had a problem child on their hands that needed almost constant attention.” He studied his hands. “Maybe my dad just snapped..”

I stroked his arm. Kel shivered.

“And maybe he was really just a mean, evil person. But he quickly became the absolute terror of my life. I wondered why my mother never tried to stop him. I hated her almost as much as I hated him.” Kel looked up at me, there were tears in his eyes. I wiped them off.

“I understand now,” Kel went on. “That she was as terrorized by him as I was. I have somehow managed to forgive her. But it's taken many years of therapy to do it.” He paused. “When I hit puberty I started to hear voices. That’s when the abuse really started to get bad."

“Didn’t you ever tell anyone?” I asked.

Kel shrugged. “Who would have believed the crazy kid? Oh, yeah, there were some investigations, quite a record with the police for domestic disturbance at this address. But abuse was still seen as more of a family problem than the community problem it is these days. Also I was told over and over it was my fault I needed to be beaten: if I didn’t talk to things that weren’t there, if I didn't eat garbage- if I was normal.” He paused. “I will take you over to see Mrs. Witsky. She was my refuge forever: not even my dad would cross her!” He smiled that twisted smile again. “She packs a big gun and knows how to use it. She took care of my animals when I was in the hospital. Tova loves her.”

“I was 14 in ‘76,” Kel said. “That year I got on some better meds and I settled down. You know, I never attended regular school until I started college in my 20s. I was home schooled or attended the special education school when I was in my late teens. So with the new meds my quality of life improved. I didn’t need babysitting any more. Maybe the anger in him couldn't be contained anymore. But the beatings got worse. That's when I got the scars on my back; since I wasn't in school, there was no one around to see it. He would just call my tutor and say I was sick that day."

“The sonofa.. I’ll kill him.” I growled.

Kel jerked as if someone had hit him. Kel moved off the couch so fast he looked like water flowing. He crossed the room to the patio door and stood looking outside. I started to follow him but something told me to stay where I was. This was someone whose private space had been severely abused in the past. I trembled with barely controlled rage.

"I'm sorry, Kel. I didn't mean to upset you more. I just hate people that have to hurt others." Kel didn't answer and the silence stretched on for several moments.

“He’s gone.” Kel said finally his voice hollow, emotionless. Tears flowed down his face: little glistening trails of sorrow.

“Gone?” I asked.

“Yeah, just gone. Not a problem anymore.” Kel turned around, he was still crying. His lower lip trembled and tears ran freely down his face. “ My first dog, I must have been about 12 or 13, was trained to not let me get into things. So I wouldn’t hurt myself eating things I shouldn’t. He hated my father; would growl at him and not let him near me. I found him dead one afternoon- poisoned- I knew my father did it. So did my mother. It was a major setback for me. Mom got me a new dog when she found me eating eggs one day.”

“Eggs?” I asked puzzled. I wondered why Kel had steered the conversation so quickly away from his father. What was it he didn’t want to talk about? Instinct told me that pushing him wasn’t a good idea. I would just let him talk and I’d follow.

“Yep, eggs- shells and all.” Kel grinned. “They crunch very nicely. But man, are they messy to eat raw. Poor mom.” He nodded. “You have to remember that what seems rational to my mind doesn’t look rational to you. And things you may find totally rational often won’t make a bit of sense to me. That’s mental illness; that’s what my parents couldn’t understand.”

I walked across the room and stood in front of Kel. He looked up at me. His face was troubled but not scared or haunted. I understood him, at least as well as an outsider could understand.

“So that’s why you jumped earlier.” I said. Kel nodded. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know- I‘d have made lots of noise if I had known.”

Kel put his hand against my lips. “It’s all right. As I said it wasn’t really what I had planned to talk about on a first date.” He looked away.

“If you want to leave now I’ll understand.” His voice was flat and expressionless.

“Nope.” I said. “I’m not going anywhere. Not until you are calm and no longer crying. Besides, I had already guessed some of it- the scars on your back. No, I am not leaving.”

Kel’s smile was as bright as the sun. He wrapped his arms around my neck.

“Thank you, Josh.”

I kissed him lightly and brushed the tears away with my lips. Kel stepped back slightly and started to unbutton his shirt cuffs.

“I hate to have my sleeves unrolled and buttoned, but I didn’t want you to see this. Not this soon; it's ugly.” He rolled up his sleeve a couple times and turned his left wrist over. The inside of his wrist was a mess: long red scars snaked up his forearm. They were jagged edged and looked as if something had literally ripped his arm open. I was amazed he had lived through it at all.

“My god Kel.” I said hoarsely. “What did you use? A chainsaw?”

“Almost. I used a saw blade. I'd been writing for a while and I forgot to take my meds. I do that sometimes. Doesn’t take long for the voices to come back. And all the garbage from my childhood: It overwhelms me. Plus the split up with Kara; I was so miserably lonely. The saw was in the garage.”

I tightened my arms around him, my heart pounding like a drum. How I wished I could take all his fears away. I wanted to make him feel safe. I wanted to keep him safe. His head rested against my breastbone.

“Kel.” I said softly.

His voice was muffled from his head against my chest. “Tova found me on the floor. He licked my face until I came around." He looked up. "Suddenly I got scared for them. For all my pets- what would happen to them if I died? I managed to get to the phone and called Kara. She called 911 and flew over here. Tova probably wouldn’t have let them in, so Kara called Mrs. Witsky, who came and got him. They both rode to the hospital with me.”

Kel shook his head. “ I’m lucky. I voluntarily checked my self into the behavioral unit and spent a month there. Friday was my first day home. Saturday night I wanted noise and company and to dance a little. I never expected to,” he paused and smiled up at me. “I never expected to meet someone I could fall in love with. Not so soon, not so.. easily.”

I smiled back at him. I held his head against my chest and I rocked him soothingly. I told him how I had been crawling out of my skin in anticipation all Sunday. How I had paced and glared at the clock. How eager I had been to get here, to just touch him again, to hold him. His head felt so right against my chest. After a minute, Kel raised his head and looked at me. His eyes were shimmery from the tears, but he wasn’t crying anymore.

“Maybe I should get this mess cleaned up, before someone gets into it. There's another cat around here somewhere.” Kel said.

“I’ll help. Just tell me where to put things,” I said.

While we cleaned up, I talked about my family, especially my younger sister, Anita, who was also mentally ill. As a small child, she had been subject to horrific nightmares. At times, I was the only one who could calm her. I would walk the floor, carrying her in my arms so she could sleep: even though she was only three years younger than I was, she was tiny. Like Kel, the worst of her problems were now controlled by medications, and her quality of life was greatly improved. I had agonized over leaving her. But the harassment But the harassment in town had reached such a height that I was afraid for my life. And Anita was doing so much better on the medicine. But it hadn’t been easy for her. She had cried and yelled at me.

“You don’t care about me! You don’t love me anymore. You love HIM more than me!” She cried. I tried to reason with her but she wouldn’t listen and threw things at me. I finally had to just leave. But oh, how it hurt to leave her, in her room, crying. I hated myself for it. However, I had left. I had to- I couldn’t stay there and be miserable and threatened, afraid to walk down the street in town. I only hoped she’d understand someday.

Kel’s eyes teared up listening to me. He reached up and wiped my own tears away. He stuck his tear-covered fingers in his mouth.

“Mmm,” he murmured. We stood arm in arm, for several minutes just enjoying each other's company.

"Well," Kel said after several minutes. "I had sorta thought maybe we'd watch a movie or something after dinner. I don't know now."

I looked around. "I don't see a TV."

Hmm, there IS one in my bedroom," Kel grinned mischievously. "But no, the TV room is downstairs. I spend most of my time down there."

"All right."

I followed Kel and Tova through the kitchen area into the living room and to the stairs. Kel paused at the top looking down. I saw that shadow again.

"I got thrown down these once," he said, starting down the stairs. I swore again. He walked down carefully; at the bottom, he ran his hand down the frame of the doorway. "There used to be a door here. That way I could be kept restrained if necessary."

"Hidden away," I growled feeling angry all over again.

"Yes." Kel nodded. "I had the whole basement rewired right after Mom and Joe moved. There are plugs all over." The shadow crossed his face again. "I can't tolerate extension cords. They look evil to me."

"Kel." I ran my hands up his arms and cradled his face. He smiled at me.

"Let me give you the tour," he said.

The basement consisted of five rooms; the one on the left was Kel's study. He told me that it had been his bedroom when he was in his teens. He felt the safest there, so it was easy to just write for days on end in there. The next room was a tiny room nearly empty; it had been a pantry. There was a small bathroom with a shower in it next to the pantry. The laundry room was on the other side. Kel introduced me to his cockatoo, Keeley and to the kittens. I am a dog person, but the kittens were so soft and tiny, so of course, I had to pick up and pet each one. Keeley eyed me with suspicion, but I suppose since Kel was there she stayed on her perch.

The last room was the largest. It was a cozy room with a comfy looking couch covered by blankets and pillows. There was a big screen TV with a VCR and stereo in an oak entertainment center against the wall across from the door. On the floor in front of it was a Nintendo. There was a small fridge and a couple beanbags in the room as well. Against the wall, kitty corner to the TV was a bookshelf with rows of videos on it. Across the room from the videotapes was a bookshelf stuffed to exploding with books.

I looked around with a grin. There were turned over books on nearly every surface; a pair of sneakers kicked against a wall. A coffee mug sat on the top of the entertainment center. A sweatshirt stuck out from between a couple of cushions on the couch. Overall, it was a well lived in room.

Kel and I looked through the videos crammed on the shelf, picking one, then another and discarding them for various reasons. Finally, we decided on "Batman": many big strong guys doing big strong things!

Kel started to fuss with the couch. I took the remote out of one hand and the sweatshirt out of the other. I set the shirt on the floor by the couch.

"Sit." I said. He grinned up at me and pushed a couple blankets aside. He sat down and kicked off his shoes.

"I may as well join you." He grinned again wiggling his toes. I grinned back at him and sat down next to him. I pulled a down comforter off the back of the couch and wrapped us both in it. Kel snuggled up against my side and I wrapped an arm around him.

Kel's head against my shoulder and his hand on my leg were doing things to my attention span and I couldn't quite stay interested in the movie. Kel shifted and stretched out across the couch, his back and head leaned against my chest. Shivers ran down my body. My cock was rock hard and throbbing. I shifted a little to ease the pressure and ran my hand down his leg massaging it. He was so thin. My stomach churned at the thought of anyone hurting someone so frail. I wanted to hit his father. I wanted to HURT his father. I wanted to pay him back multiple times for hurting Kel. Kel twisted around so that he was looking up at me.

"You aren't watching the movie."

"No." I said.

"Boring you? Or is something wrong? You are tense." He looked worried.

"I was thinking. Just absorbing what you said earlier. I'm sorry. I'll pay attention now." He looked so funny upside down.

He sat up and twisted around until he was on his knees beside me. He put his hands on my shoulders.

"I didn't plan to ruin your evening. I just thought you deserved an explanation."

His eyes pleaded with me to understand. I turned towards him and reached up curving my hand around the back of his head. He looked so vulnerable; so lost. I wanted to fix that lostness. I wanted to make it all right for him.

"You are so amazing, Kel." I whispered. "I don't think I could have lived through what you have and still be able to make jokes. I am in awe of you."

Kel flushed. He brushed my cheek with his hand. "Thanks, Josh."

We both seemed to move together as one. His lips brushed mine. I pulled him closer making me lose my balance and I tumbled off the couch, pulling Kel along with me. We landed in a pile of legs, arms and blankets. Kel was laughing so hard I thought he'd choke. He started to get up but I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him down. He started laughing again. I rolled sideways and pinned him under me. He lay there still, his mouth slightly open. God, he looked so sweet, so delicious. I wanted to hold him and love him, to make him laugh. I wanted to chase away the shadows. I leaned down; our lips met. Kel’s hands slid across my chest and stopped over my nipples: electrical sparks traveled down my chest. I could feel his palms brush them through my shirt. I groaned in pleasure.

“Wow, your nipples are major sensitive,” Kel said.

I nodded breathless. He rubbed my nipples again. I groaned again. He pinched them, rubbed them, and twisted them. I groaned some more. He raised his head and sucked one through my shirt. I cried out as fire flooded my body.

“KEL!”

A shudder ran down my back. I shook and dropped on to Kel. He grunted and I shifted my weight onto my arms. Kel pulled my head down and kissed me. He nibbled my lower lip and teased the upper with his tongue. I opened my mouth and his tongue slid in, wrapping itself around my tongue. I sucked his tongue frantically. His body arched under me pushing hard against my chest and abdomen. I pushed my hands under his shoulders and pressed him to me. I wanted to absorb him into my own body; make him a part of me. He moaned into my mouth.

Kel’s hands ran up my back sending out sparks of fire wherever they touched. He pulled my shirt out of my jeans. The feel of those long fingers on my skin made me shiver in pleasure. He tangled his fingers in my hair and pulled my head down. His body moved under mine teasing me; rubbing against mine. I ran one hand down his side and caressed his hip. He moaned and cried out.

“Josh!”

I devoured his mouth, and then his chin and jaw. I kissed his jaw and down his neck. He moaned and cried my name. I love hollow at the base of the neck between the collarbone and shoulder and I explored his with my tongue and lips. He moaned and pulled my hair, his body twisting under me. I moved back to his mouth, his sweet, delicious mouth. He pulled me closer almost trying to crawl into my skin. Kel wrapped his tongue around mine and pulled it into his mouth sucking and teasing it. He explored my mouth and returned to my tongue, sucking on it and twisting his tongue around mine. His body was moving again; rubbing against mine sending out shock waves of electricity. I jerked as my head and body exploded. Crying out, I buried my head in his hair as my body shook with its orgasm. Far away, I could hear Kel’s voice crying out my name. His hands clutched at my hips.

I raised my head and looked at him. Kel’s eyes were bright, his face flushed. He was panting.

“Kel,” I said hoarsely. “Kel, I promise. I promise no one will ever hurt you again. I will not let them. I promise.”

Tears flowed out of the corners of his eyes. “Josh. Oh Josh.”

I leaned down and kissed him gently. He clung to me. Oh yeah, I promised myself, I was going to keep him safe. Forever.

dragonwriter@comcast.net

December 14, 2003

Revised October 11, 2006