Josh's Journey

By Dragonwriter

Chapter Nine- Warm Autumn Days & Nights

I pulled my pillow over my head wondering why it was ringing. My head ringing, not the pillow. Then again maybe it WAS the pillow. I heard a door in the front of the house shut and the murmur of a voice. A minute later came the sound of feet across the kitchen floor. My door was open (Kel doesn't sleep well behind a closed door) but Mitch knocked on it anyway.

"Josh?" He said softly.

I crawled out from under my pillow. Mitch was standing in the doorway holding the phone, his hand over the receiver. His blond hair was mussed and standing on end. I noticed a fresh hickey on his neck. He was wearing a pair of ratty jeans, which was odd, usually Mitch just paraded around for everyone to see. He also looked unusually clean and almost sober for early Sunday morning.

"Yeah?" I said sitting up.

"It's Jem. Are you awake?"

I rubbed my right eye. When the hell did I get to bed? Dinner with Xan and Kaleb, then clubbing, a very early morning meal at a 24 hour diner and lots and lots of loving afterwards, I couldn’t have been asleep for very long. My clock on the shelf by the door said 8:30 am. I looked down, Kel was curled up against my side. He was sleeping deeply. I held out my hand for the phone. Mitch handed it to me.

"Thanks," I said. I pointed to my neck then to him with a grin. He flushed red and grinned back. I gave him a big thumbs up. He grinned again and padded back through the kitchen to his room. I heard his voice just before his door shut.

"He's got someone in there!" I thought with a grin. "Go, Mitch!" I pulled my pillow up behind my back and leaned against the wall.

“Mornin, Jem.” I ran my hand through my hair feeling gritty and in need of a shower. There was a vague odor of cigarette smoke clinging to everything. I would be doing laundry today!

“Mornin Josh. Shoot! I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were sleeping. I forget you're an hour earlier than me.” His voice was deepening into a nice mellow baritone. I felt a sudden pang of sorrow. He was growing up and I hardly knew him!

“No problem, cheri.” I said slipping easily back into the French of my childhood. I had been bilingual until I moved to the States. There was very little use for my French here and it had slipped away from me.

"I finally talked Papa into letting me come down there for Christmas!" He was full of elation.

"Talked or nagged?" I asked with a grin. "More like he gave in to shut you UP!"

He snickered, "Worked didn't it? And Mama told him I wasn’t a baby anymore. I'm SIXTEEN! I‘ll be seventeen in April!" His voice cracked. "I miss you, Josh."

"Oh," I said softly. "Not half as much as I miss you, baby brother."

"You mean that!?!" He practically shouted. I winced. I wasn't hung over but I was suffering from way too much Saturday fun.

"Of course I do, cheri. That's why I told you I wanted you to come down here for Christmas."

"Papa grumbles 'Why can't Josh come up HERE?' I think he misses you too. I know Mama does."

I swallowed. Papa and I had not parted under the best of terms. I think he was hurt that I wanted to leave the ranch.

“We’ll be up there in June for Anita’s graduation, cheri,” I said with a smile.

Jem rambled on in normal sixteen year old fashion and I listened, laughing with him and teasing him. I did miss him terribly. And I was very excited to have him down for Christmas. Two months more of waiting was nothing after being apart for three years. By the time we wrapped up the conversation I had to piss like a racehorse as Papa used to say. I crawled out of bed careful not to bother Kel.

Kel and I had been together just over a month now. It seemed to me that the time had gone quickly. Some of it was spent at his house, some at mine. But we'd not spent a night apart again. Long nights filled with food, fun and ample amounts of loving. I had discovered to my delight that Kel was a basketball fan and we had spent many nights yelling and throwing popcorn at the TV.

I had been to Alejhandro's office again and we had talked about abuse. About what it did mentally and physically to its victim, how it isolated its victim from other people. My instincts to not push Kel were correct. Let him tell me the story of his life at his own pace.

As I dug a pair of sweats out of the pile of laundry on the end of the bed, I studied him sleeping. My mind wandered back to a conversation I had had at the club the previous night. Kaleb, Xan, Kel and I had gone out to the club after dinner.

I was getting drinks (nonalcoholic, of course) for Kel and me at the bar when one of the barflies came up and leaned on the bar next to me. He smelled of stale beer and recently smoked pot. I knew this fly quite well. He was an ardent and persistent admirer of mine.

“So Josh, rumor says you’re pretty hot and heavy for Kabrey.”

“Rumor has no business in MY business, Matt,” I snapped back. I had never encouraged Matt. His drinking and sleeping around made Mitch look like a nun. God only knew HOW many diseases he carried.

“Whoa! Don’t get all defensive. Jeez,” he leaned closer and exhaled a rank breath that made my stomach roll. “Don’t you fear for your life around Kabrey? I mean, I’d never be able to fall asleep with him there.”

“What the hell are you talking about Matt?” I demanded.

“You don’t know!?” He laughed suddenly. “Holy crap Josh, no wonder you think he’s so wonderful.”

I swung out and caught Matt’s shirt and pulled him close to my face. This close Matt was beyond disgusting, he was repulsive. I had the sudden desire to run home and shower.

“Just what do you mean? And you had better NOT be spreading rumor and slandering Kel.”

“Spreadin nothin, Josh,” he said slurring his speech a bit. “Ever’one knows, we are just takin bets on how far and fast you’ll run when you find out.” He laughed again, a rancid stinking breath of air flew in my face. He twisted out of my grasp. I let him go and wiped my hand on the thigh of my jeans. Matt laughed and backed away. “Just don’t turn your back on him!”

He disappeared into the crowd. I stared after him puzzled. He was pretty damned drunk but there was a “feel” of truth in what he had said. I had had the feeling that Kel hadn’t told me everything about his past. There was something he was scared to tell me I was sure. I shivered suddenly cold.

When I returned to the table Kel had asked why it had taken so long. I told him one of the barflies had attached himself to me and I couldn’t get unattached. I had no intention of discussing Matt’s words in the middle of the crowded club. I don’t think Kel entirely believed me but he didn’t pursue it any further.

With the morning light, I was far more willing to dismiss Matt’s words as pure mischief. Nothing like a drunken queen for spreading rumors and bad mouthing the competition. I pulled on the sweats and looked around puzzled. Where were the canines? And why weren’t they begging to go out?

I whistled. There was a scratching noise from towards the front of the apartment and Crystal came running, Tova on her heels. I met them in the middle of the kitchen.

“Where have you been?” I asked with much scratching of ears and backs. “Have you been bothering Mitch?”

“No bother really,” said a voice from across the room. I looked up to see a tall redhead wearing jeans and Rolling Stones Steel Wheels t-shirt standing in the doorway. He was slender and absolutely gorgeous with a splash of freckles sprinkled across his nose and cheekbones. He walked towards me holding his hand out.

“You must be Josh. I’d recognize Mitch’s description anywhere.”

I shook his hand. His grip was firm but not pushy. A professional grip.

“Yes, and you must be Will. Or at least I hope you are..” I grinned at him.

He grinned, “Yes, that’s me. We have been just missing each other.” He ran his hands through his hair brushing it back from his face. Crystal rubbed against his leg. He stroked her head as she twisted around to lick his hand.

“Beautiful girl,” Will said. “Mitch tells me the male is a wolf.”

“He’s right. Tova is a wolf, he’s Kel’s bud.” I smiled.

“Convenient,” Will nodded and grinned up at me. “They have been up making sure I am safe to be around Mitch.” He chuckled.

“Crystal has known Mitch all her life.. she is possessive of her humans," I said with a grin.

“Ahh, good girl then,” Will stroked her again. He stretched. “I just came to get a couple sodas.” He watched me, his clear blue eyes were appraising. I nodded and gestured to the fridge and went on to the bathroom.

I had to admit Will was gorgeous! I guess I was so intimate with Mitch that I forgot just how cute he was as well. Thick blond hair and hazel eyes with a smooth creamy complexion and a nose that turned up just the tiniest bit. Sober and cleaned up Mitch was quite a good looking man. And they had met at the restaurant, Mitch was never too drunk to be able to work. He took a great deal of pride in his ability to please his regular diners.

The living room was empty when I came out of the bathroom. I knocked on Mitch’s door. There was the sound of movement inside.

“Mitch?” I said through the door. “You don’t have to let them in there! I’ll take them.”

The door opened a crack. Mitch stood blocking my view into the room. He was naked, curly golden hair covered his body reflecting the morning sun from the windows. I stared at him, it had been years since I had seen him so awake and close to sober at 8:30 on a Sunday morning.

“Nah, its okay, Josh. Crystal seems to fallen in love with Will,” he grinned shyly.

“Can’t say I blame her,” I said grinning. “Well, when you get tired of them, throw them out,’kay?”

Mitch nodded and closed the door. I returned to my bedroom and crawled into bed cuddling up to Kel’s back. He sighed and snuggled back against me. His butt tucked up against my crotch was waking my cock up. I kissed him lightly on the ear. He sighed again. I kissed him on the angle of his jaw, sucking lightly on the sharp curve of bone. He moaned and arched his back. His jammy clad butt stroked my cock. I had bought him those pyjamas (Star Wars: Kel had teased me that I was really looking to be "made a man" by Han Solo) so he would always have something to wear at my place when he slept there. I pulled him against me caressing his belly and chest. Matt’s words were forgotten in the fire of having Kel in my arms again.

Sometime later Kel snuggled up against me. His head on my shoulder and hand on my belly gave me that “all’s right with the Universe” feeling. The world could have come to a screeching halt at that moment and I’d have been okay with it! I stroked his thigh lazily and he rolled on to his belly. I growled and he snickered. He leaned down and kissed me.

“God Kel, you have the most awe inspiring, amazing mouth. Where did you learn to suck like that?” I ran my hand down his back and butt.

He ducked his head and mumbled something into my armpit. I slid my hand under his chin and lifted it up so he was facing me again. He had that blank expression on his face again: an abused child hiding.

“I learned under that most inspirational of all teachers: a belt across the shoulders,” he whispered. Tears welled up in his eyes. “I was not only a physically abused child but a sexually abused one. After puberty, I was as you have said a pretty child. My dad would have a go at me at least once a day when Mom wasn’t home or in the night if she had been home all day.”

I swore softly. His head drooped down until his forehead touched my shoulder. He spoke softly into my armpit.

“He always told me it was my fault. If I weren’t so pretty, so girly he wouldn’t want me so much. Wouldn’t want to rape me,” Kel’s voice tapered off into a whisper.

"It wasn't your fault! No one was forcing him to do those things to you!" I said fiercely, my arm tightening around his shoulders.

"I know that now," he said softly. His breath stroked my chest. "But at 14, I didn't."

I pulled him up close to me and hugged him; stroked his back, feeling the twisted lines of scars. My stomach churned as a vision passed in front of my eyes. I could see a much younger Kel on his knees while a shadowy crotch pounded his face. I flinched as a belt struck those shoulders and tears welled up in the boy’s eyes as he tried harder to please the shadow in front of him. I couldn't imagine even WANTING a 14 year old boy much less forcing him. I clutched Kel’s shoulders shaking from the vision. He studied the play of emotions on my face and stroked my arm murmuring softly.

“Josh? What happened at the club last night? You have the same look on your face that you had then. I wanted to ask you but you didn't seem to want to talk about it.”

I rubbed his back. Vainly I wished I could undo the past if only I could rub hard enough. Rub away the scars so they didn't exist and had never existed. Slowly I told him what Matt had said. I felt his body stiffen in fear. He sat up abruptly and wrapped his arms around his knees. His eyes were flashing in anger. He was mad not scared.

“I knew it. I knew those damned queens would try something. They just can’t leave well enough alone!” He ranted his eyes flashing. He made an odd reaching gesture as if he wanted to pick up something that wasn’t there. I had seen him do it more than once, usually after dinner. “They just wont give you up!”

I sat up and pulled him into my arms. I hugged him and stroked his back until he relaxed against me. I hugged him again.

“Its all right. They can’t have me. Besides they NEVER had me,“ I murmured softly into his hair. “It was all just malicious slander from a couple of bitchy queens, right?”

He sighed and sat up looking at me. He twisted around till he was facing me his legs crossed. His face was expressionless again, devoid of emotion. He shook his head.

“ No.” His voice was soft. “I spent a year in lockdown from 18 to 19 in a high security mental ward. A locked ward. Then another year in a low security mental ward. The end of my childhood was spent basically in prison. Of course, it was better treatment than prison, but it was still a prison.” He paused two fingers resting against his lower lip. The gesture of an ex smoker looking for comfort. I remembered what he had told me about his smoking “I started in my teens. Quit for awhile.” Now I knew why.

“For two years, I never went further than the hospital walls. For one full year I didn‘t feel sunshine or outside air except at the windows. There were days when I had to be sedated to get me to leave the window. I would fight and scratch and kick.. no one wanted to understand that I just wanted to feel the sun on my face.. feel the air...” His voice was distant, aching. Tears leaked down his face.

“Why, Kel?” I asked softly. “Why were you there?” I was crying as well.

“I.. I.. I hurt someone,” His voice was barely more than a whisper. His head hung limp on his neck as if the muscles no longer cared to work.

“God,” I whispered feeling chills run down my back.

He jerked his head up his eyes flashing again. “They are so determined never to let me forget! Never let me just be normal! Or let me have a normal life! As if it wasn‘t hard enough without their interference.” He swore in frustration. “I paid for it! I ached and cried and nearly died for what I did! Why won’t they just LEAVE ME ALONE!” His fists pummeled his legs. I was sure there would be bruises by evening.

Watching his face and his fists beat against his thighs, I wasn't sure that 'they' meant the crowd at the club. Were 'they' the demons in his head? The memories that refused to leave him in peace. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I wished Alejhandro was here to tell me what to do.

I grabbed his hands and pulled him into my lap. He wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face in the curve of my neck. I stroked his back and hair and murmured soft, soothing noises. I wondered if I should ask who he hurt, but I thought I knew the answer already. There was only one person Kel would have wanted to hurt: his dad, the man he described as the terror of his life. I swallowed, tears streaming down my face.

“Kel, I’m here. It was your dad wasn’t it. The person you hurt?”

“Yes. I hurt him really bad,” he said hollowly, his eyes wide in fear. “And when I got out Mom was remarried to Joe and nothing was the same.”

“Remarried?” I asked. “What about your dad?”

Kel stiffened again. I thought he was going to run like he had the first night but he didn’t.

“He was gone by then. Just gone.”

I had a hollow feeling in my stomach and the hairs on my neck were standing up. Gone? But where? Had his mom finally got up the nerve to divorce him? I opened my mouth to ask but there was something in the way Kel said ‘just gone’ that scared me. Maybe I didn’t want the answer. I wanted Alejhandro, I needed to talk to him. I shivered again feeling way out of my depth. Kel, my beautiful, wounded Kel. Would I ever know all your secrets? Did I want to know all your secrets? Would the past ever really be past for you? I rocked him gently as I contemplated what he had said already. His fingers stroked my arm.

“Joe is afraid of me. That’s why they moved to Portland.. to get away from me.”

“Kel.”

“He had Mom sign over the house so that I’d have a place to stay.. far away from them. And she’s such a damn doormat that she did it. He calls once a month to make sure I am all right, so I don’t show up on his doorstep one day. He‘s afraid of letting Kevin around me. Kevin was 9 when Mom married Joe. Doesn’t want Kevin to be crazy or violent. He was petrified when I was in the hospital last month, that I‘d have to be taken care of for the rest of my life.” His voice was bitter.. and very hurt.

Kel was silent. I didn't know what to say. I was terrified, but I had no intentions of running away. I didn't know what to do at this point. I could hardly laugh and say well it could happen to anyone. Somehow the words "I'm sorry" seemed incredibly shallow and insincere. This was the man I loved, the man I had offered to marry. Kel wasn't just some one night stand that I could say "Oh, really? Must have been awkward. Well glad to see you're doing better. Hey! Maybe we'll see each other around sometime. Bye now!" No, Kel was a part of my very skin and my soul ached for him. He raised his head, his eyes haunted. His lips were twisted in a bitter smile.

“Maybe I should just leave now,” Kel said bitterly. “Save you the effort of throwing me out.” Kel started to get up but I wrapped my arms tighter around him.

“NO! Kel. Don’t, please don’t go. I’m sorry. I’m SO sorry." There it was that phrase but somehow it didn't sound insincere. I really meant it: my heart was breaking for him. "I had no idea. I’m here, I’m still here, I’ll always be here. I’m not afraid, well yes I am.. kinda.. but that doesn’t mean I am going to abandon you. I love you.. so much. You can NOT imagine how much I love you. You‘re not crazy or violent, you‘re ill. And from what you said of your father..." I paused. "Well I don‘t condone violence but he had it coming! Kel, I promise, we will see it through. Together, you and me.”

Kel turned around in my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck. He squeezed my shoulders and buried his face in my neck. I felt the tears against my neck. He looked up after a minute.

“Thank you, Josh. I never knew it was possible to be so happy as I have been with you!” He kissed me.

I eased him down onto the bed kissing him. Like a blanket I covered his wounded body with my own, tucking him in under my love. I had promised to protect him and I planned to keep my word. He pulled my head down into a kiss. For the second time that morning we made sweet, sweet love. Losing ourselves in each others bodies.

“I’m starved,” I heard sometime later from somewhere above where I laid drowsing on his belly.

“Mmm,” was my only answer.

Out in the kitchen I could hear voices and movement. The bedroom door was now shut for privacy but it did little to block the noise in the next room. The was a clittering noise that could only be claws on the floor. Someone laughed. I tickled Kel and he squirmed away laughing. The anger and sorrow of earlier gone away for the time being.

We dressed quickly and went into the kitchen, fingers entwined. Mitch was frying something at the stove and Will was sitting on the washer next to the stove talking to him and throwing kibbles at the canines, one of which hit me in the chest as I walked into the room. I grinned and Kel laughed. Crystal and Tova wrapped their long bodies around us, barking and wagging tails. Begging for love and giving their love at the same time. I was, however, chagrined to see a glass of scotch on the stove: Mitch’s morning jump start.

Introductions were quickly made. Mitch and Kel had already met at the house earlier in the month. Will shook Kel’s hand. His eyes flickered as he took in how thin Kel looked. Even though he had gained some 6 or 7 pounds in the last month, he was still terribly thin and frail looking. Mitch offered to make some more eggs. I passed, I only wanted coffee but Kel agreed to scrambled eggs and in a short while we were all seated at the table eating scrambled eggs and toast and drinking coffee, Mitch‘s coffee naturally spiked with more scotch. I saw a flicker cross Will‘s face as Mitch topped his coffee, but he didn’t say anything.

“I haven’t seen you in so long, Josh,” Mitch said.

“I know. I’m sorry, I should do better for my friends.”

Mitch made a dismissing gesture. “S’okay, I’ve been kind of busy myself.” He smiled shyly at Will who squeezed him on the forearm.

Conversation was of the get to know you type. Kel and Will hit it off and were soon talking easily. Will had read one of Kel’s books and was drilling him on the actions of one of the characters in the book. I watched Mitch. Once he reached for the scotch bottle but glancing at Will, who was talking to Kel, he pulled his hand back. Maybe he was trying...

Mitch jokingly thanked me for getting us a new hot water heater. Will and him had been enjoying it a lot! Kel snickered and I grinned. Will told me to insist that my landlord subtract it from the rent next month since it was something he had known was needed for some time. Mitch finished his coffee and took his cup and Will’s for a refill. I was pretty sure when he returned that his cup had more than just coffee in it. There was a secretive look in his eyes. Will also seemed to see it and his eyes narrowed just a tad. Mitch looked away, perhaps in guilt, and fed Tova a piece of toast. I glanced at Kel who had taken it all in, his eyes met mine and he nodded slightly.

After breakfast, Mitch and Will took off for awhile. Crystal followed them to the back gate and up the side of the house. Will leaned over the fence and pat her head getting a wet kiss in return. Kel and I took a shower, which in our tiny bathroom meant getting very close to each other. Not that that was a problem! I will never forget the feel of Kel’s mouth on my cock and the warm water from the shower splattering against my belly. Finally as the heater was running out of hot water we finished our shower shivering in the icy water.

Kel tagged along with me to do some grocery shopping. We argued over the merits of one brand over another, bought a lot of junk food and in general had fun. We stopped for lunch then visited a bookstore where we giggled like teenaged boys reading a girlie mag over Kel’s books on the shelves. I tried to talk him into buying one just to see if the cashier would recognize him but he wouldn't do it. The new book would be on shelves in two months complete with the dedication to me. I wasn’t sure what I had done to deserve it but I was honored nonetheless.

We drove out to Kel's house to look after the animals and grab a jar of salsa. Kel was worried especially about Keeley. I hadn’t known it but birds are subject to boredom as well as humans and unlike most humans, birds will injure themselves if very bored. I suggested bringing her to the my house since the kittens were too big to be mothered by her. Kel's face lit up in that sunny smile I loved so much. He brought her travel cage up from the basement.

"She needs a perch," he said thinking out loud. "Someplace to go potty. She uses the litter box in the laundry room when she's down there."

"Do you think a good sized branch in a bucket of sand would do the trick? There's room in the kitchen behind the table.. we can pull it out more into the room. Spread a sheet or some plastic under the perch."

Kel nodded and threw his arms around my neck. I hugged him, suddenly wanting him very, very badly. I kissed him hard. He sighed. His hands slid up under my shirt sleeves; his long fingers caressed my nipples. I groaned fire sliding down my belly.

"Kel," I moaned.

"Maybe we should check to make sure everything's okay in the bedroom," he whispered with a grin.

“Yes, I think we should,” I answered kissing him again.

Back at the apartment we put away the groceries; I found a thick branch out in the alley and trimmed some of the branches so it would sit all right in the kitchen. There was a bucket of sand in the back yard for no apparent reason, but it was there when we moved in and neither of us had been sufficiently motivated to throw it out! We stuck the branch into the bucket and carried it into the house. After that we opened a bag of chips and did some laundry. Kel learned the trick to changing sheets on a wall to wall mattress.

“Good thing you’re so tall,” he said watching me stand the mattress up against the wall. “Or you’d have to sleep on a twin bed!” He laughed.

The rest of the day passed smoothly and quietly. Mitch and Will returned in time for dinner and pitched in happily in the preparation. Mitch was drunk, as I expected, but he wasn't falling down drunk. And he drank only two fingers of carefully nursed Scotch through dinner. He did seem making an effort to cut back. Will watched disapproving but not judgmental. Maybe Will would provide Mitch with the reason to stop completely, but only time would tell.

Keeley was pleased with all the attention and preened like a princess on Kel's shoulder. Mitch was especially fascinated and kept feeding her until Kel had to stop him for fear of her getting sick. Crystal and Tova went back and forth between people begging bites and giving kisses. At one point I thought how UNNorman Rockwell it was and hid a smile. I looked up to see Kel watching me his eyes glowing. I flushed and decided it really didn't matter it was home and there was laughter and love. The two essential ingredients of a home and plenty of fur and feathers if Kel was around!

The rest of the week flew by hardly giving me a chance to notice the change from one day to the next. We stayed a couple days at my apartment then went back to Kel’s house. Kel’s editor had called to tell him that he had an offer from a local magazine for a couple short stories to be published separately the following spring. He was excited when he went to her office and absolutely ecstatic when I met him for lunch. Ideas were already bubbling in his head. I laughed and told him to go home and start writing. I’d get the critters and be over after work.

Friday morning came almost before I knew it. I had an appointment with Alejhandro that afternoon. Mike sent us home in plenty of time to hit the bank and get our checks cashed. I cashed mine and drove to Alejhandro’s office.

Trina greeted me like an old friend and informed me that much to Jake’s distress there didn’t seem to be a scar forming on his chin. I grinned and we shared a laugh. The office was cozy and the plants gave it a sort of time stopped feeling. As the outside was preparing for winter it was still spring in there. I wondered if that was for the patients comfort or Alejhandro’s.

A dark haired young woman left Alejhandro’s office. They spoke rapidly in Spanish before she left. I watched her out the corners of my eyes not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable. She had a nasty black eye and a split lip. I trembled and clenched my fist in fury. I’d like to meet the man that thought smacking his partner around made him a man. I’d unlearn him that real quick!

Alejhandro had obviously noticed my reaction because as soon as he shut the door he sighed.

“Si amigo, I would like to meet her husband in a dark alley way as well. Show him what a man really is. Listen to me! I know more violence is NOT the answer but sometimes…” he sighed again. “Ah, please come sit down, Josh. Tell me how things are going.”

I took my usual chair by the fireplace. This time I kicked off my shoes and wiggled my toes sighing in pleasure. Alejhandro chuckled, a deep boom that rolled through me like a sonic boom. I could fall very much in love with him. I leaned back in the chair and studied him. He was patiently waiting for me.

“May I ask you a couple questions?” I asked.

“Of course! Ask anything you want, however, if it involves physics or astronomy I won’t guarantee the accuracy of my answers,” he replied his eyes twinkling with mischief.

“No, its not that,” I said. I took a deep breath. “Alejhandro, what is a locked ward? And a high security ward?”

“Ai-ai, not at all what I was expecting.” He took a deep breath blowing it out gently. “A locked ward is exactly what it says: locked. Depending on the situation visitors may be able to go in but anyone checked in can’t leave. A high security ward is usually a ward for dangerous patients and is ALWAYS a locked ward. Usually the only ones allowed in a high security ward are authorized hospital staff. Why do you ask?” He looked at me puzzled.

“Because Kel told me he spent a year in one,” I said my voice trembling.

“OH, Josh,” Alejhandro was out of his chair and on the arm of mine in an instant. I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head against his chest. He rubbed my back gently. “Did he tell you why he was there?”

I nodded feeling his shirt rub my cheek softly.

“He hurt his father. He didn’t tell me how or what he did just that he hurt him.” I looked up at Alejhandro. He looked oddly out of focus through the tears in my eyes. “I was scared to ask. I’m not sure I want to know! I want Kel! The Kel I know! The one I love!”

I jerked my arms back and shot to my feet. I kept repeating “I want MY Kel! The Kel I love!” over and over. I paced furiously around until I came to a stop at one of the windows. I remembered what Kel said “I just wanted to feel the sun on my face.. feel the air...” I started to cry.

I’m not sure how he did it but petite Alejhandro managed to maneuver me to a couch and sit me down. He held me while I cried, his hand stroking my back. After a while I stopped. He handed me a box of Kleenex. I took a couple and blew my nose, then pitched the used tissues into a nearby can. I looked at Alejhandro. His black eyes were gently studying me. Appraising but not pitying, I was grateful because pity was one thing I couldn’t tolerate.

“It’s normal, Josh to be angry or upset when you find out that your loved one is NOT the paragon of saintliness the first rush of love makes them out to be,” his voice was even and gentle. “In your case, there are added issues. As the saying goes, violence breeds violence. Abused people occasionally lash out against their abuser sometimes with terrifying results. All though they usually take it out on someone they feel in control of.. like a parent to a child.”

He continued choosing his words carefully, “I would be far more concerned if Kel had NOT ever lashed out. Because abused children quite often get emotionally bonded to the abusive parent. They crave very much the approval of the parent. However, I get the impression Kel was an adult when this happened?" I nodded and he went on, "So by then Kel would no longer be attached," he held up his hand. "By about 10 the bond is broken. I almost wish more abused children would lash out at their parents, but it doesn't take much to break a young spirit unfortunately."

"Oh my God," I whispered horrified.

"I was very attached to my mother and I continuously tried to make her happy in the hopes that she would shield me from my uncle. Remember the first day when I told you I had become defiant of my uncle even though I knew it only made the beatings worse?” I nodded. “That’s a form of passive resistance. I wasn’t big enough to hurt him physically, but I was strong enough to hurt him mentally. ” Alejhandro paused for a moment.

“My professional opinion is that whatever happened, the fact that Kel ended up in a locked ward means it was pretty nasty. You have two choices really: 1 ignore it, pretend it didn’t happen or 2 approach it and decide if its something you can live with or not. Choice one isn’t a good idea because it will gnaw at you, like picking at a scab until the sore is infected.”

“Choice two is the real answer. And it is an answer with a lot of flexibility. You already know that there is violence in Kel’s past. At the moment, I doubt you need all the details. Instead you and I, together, need to sort out how you feel about it. First of all how did you find out? I can‘t imagine he volunteered this information. You two have only been together..what? A month?”

“Five weeks,” I answered. I told him about Matt at the club. I blushed and went on to tell him about my comment on Kel’s ability to give head and his response and how that lead into telling him what Matt had told me. Alejhandro listened closely as I told him how angry Kel had been and then how empty his face had been as he told me about the locked ward. And how Kel had tried to leave, so sure that I’d throw him out. But I wouldn’t, I couldn‘t.

“I.. I just want Kel,” I finished in a whisper.

Alejhandro nodded and I continued, “ I love him. He’s so silly and sweet and caring. I can’t. No! I WON’T believe he could hurt anyone!”

“Perhaps it was a case of being backed into a corner. He lashed out in self defense,” Alejhandro said softly.

I nodded, “I am sure that’s what happened. Alejhandro, this is a man that sat for over an hour on cold, wet asphalt just to convince a stray cat into eating some tuna because he was worried about her ability to nurse her kits. This is a man that feeds a half dozen strays at his place everyday. Who gets up in the middle of the night to do laundry because he’s worried I won’t have enough clothes to wear. This is not a violent man! He is a caring, loving man!”

“I believe you but do you believe you?” Alejhandro asked.

I stared at him with my mouth hanging open. Then I chuckled, “Yeah. I do. I sound like someone trying to talk myself into something, don’t I?” He smiled. “ I just have a hard time believing he could hurt anyone.”

“When all one has as examples,” Alejhandro said gently, his dark eyes on mine, “are violence and anger then one’s reactions to stress are going to be violent as well. Trust me, I know. And sometimes when you feel your back is against a wall you react without thinking. You lash out.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I guess I can understand that. If every disagreement I’d ever seen between my parents ended with Mama getting hit then I’d consider hitting the way to solve problems.”

“Exactly!” Alejhandro said. “And if every time you tried to exert your will ended in a beating..?”

“I’d begin to think that getting my way meant beating the opposition.. literally.”

“Yes,” Alejhandro placed his hand on my arm. “This is why we call it the circle of violence. It goes around and around until somewhere something breaks.”

“Or someone,” I said in a whisper. Alejhandro nodded.

“Sometimes that is what happens.”

“But what do I do?”

“What do you want to do, Josh?” Alejhandro asked me softly.

“I want to love Kel and stop hurting inside for him. I want to stop him from hurting.”

“Tall order amigo,” Alejhandro said. “But the love part you seem to have already. Now we just have to heal the hurt.”

We talked some more, going back and forth about my feelings about Kel’s time in the hospital. And by the time I left I felt much better. I wondered if half the power of psychology was just in knowing you had someone to confide in. Someone who would listen but never render judgment. I made a note to ask Kel what he thought.

I was anxious to get to home to Kel. We were at his house now but anywhere with Kel was home to me. But I had something I wanted to do first so, I detoured around to the Market. I could cut across the lake on I-90 to get to Kel’s. It was enough past rush hour that traffic would be reasonably light. I hoped Antonine’s shop would still be open and it was.

The goldsmith’s shop was tucked in between a tobacco shop and a bookstore. The inside of the shop was amazing! Glass cases lined the walls with a glass counter running down the far end. The ceiling had been painted blue with white clouds. The walls were painted to resemble a jungle. There was a toy monkey on the top of one of the cases.

A tiny dark woman came out from the back and leaned against the counter. I remembered Kaleb saying she was a Rom. I walked quickly up to meet her.

“Hello? Are you Antonine? I’m not too late, am I?” I asked nervously.

She smiled. “No, I was just thinking about dinner, but hadn’t quite decided if I wanted it yet or not. Yes, I am Antonine.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well I was told you are the best goldsmith around.”

“Thank you,” Antonine said. “I am a goldsmith, silversmith, worker in copper. What pleases you?”

“I want a ring,” I swallowed. “For my boyfriend. My friend, Kaleb Konnor recommended you.”

“Mm, and one for you?”

I nodded. Antonine smiled. She was an attractive woman with dark eyes and a wide smile. She had a dimple in her left cheek. Her complexion was dark, not coppery like mine, but more honey coloured like Alejhandro. You could easily assume she was Mexican. She had on a plaid flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, her black hair held back by a smiley face bandana.

" Ah, Kaleb, I will have to thank him. Would you like to look at what I have already made or design something yourself?"

"Well, I am not as artistic as Kaleb.... But I don't want just some old band like everyone else has.." I stumbled over my words nervously.

Antonine nodded. She turned and walked to the back room pausing only to ask me to wait a moment. She returned a minute later with a binder in her arms. The thing had to be 8" thick! She set it on the counter and turned it around toward me.

"This is my catalogue of what I have done in the past. Perhaps we can find one or two to combine that will be mmm BINGO! .. the perfect ring," she grinned and her eyes danced with laughter.

I laughed. Antonine opened the binder and thumbed through over half the book before laying it open in front of me. On the pages were photos of rings with handwritten descriptions and dates underneath the pictures. I looked them over carefully as I turned each page. There were gold rings, silver rings, copper rings. There were engraved rings, rings set with a multitude of coloured stones. Some looked gaudy to me, others plain. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed when I turned a page and looked down.

There it was! The almost exact perfect ring! My heart skipped a beat. Shiny sleek gold inset with hexagonal (six sided) pieces of black stone and feather light bands of gold crossing the stones. Tova’s chin on Crystal, black on gold. I must have looked thunderstruck because Antonine looked at me closely then down at the book.

“Ahhh, my lion,” she said.

“Lion?” I asked puzzled.

She smiled again. “They all have nicknames, that is Lion.”

“It’s perfect,” I whispered. “Just like Tova and Crystal, except there’s too much gold OVER the black.” I quickly explained to her about the canines. She nodded.

“A real wolf, that I would like to see,” she said.

She backed up and looked under the counter. She pulled a sketch pad up on to the counter and started to draw on it. I watched her form the ring shape. Together we moved the pieces around to make something she felt would work. Finally we had it. The ring would be gold with black semi precious hexagonal insets lying diagonally across the wide band with a gold band running around the ring top and bottom just above the points of the hexagons. I sighed looking at the sketch.

“Probably too expensive,” I said softly.

“Nah, there’s not that much gold there really.” She quoted me a price for matching ones. I shook my head. Not with Christmas coming. She studied me for a minute then reached for the phone and punched in some numbers.

“Great,” I thought, “She’s going to call the cops on me as well.”

“Hey Kaleb! I have this tall totally divine Indian boy standing here mooning over a ring.” She grinned up at me. She listened and chuckled, “Yeah, that’s the one, LONG and lean.”

Antonine winked at me and I blushed. Why was she calling Kaleb?

“Yeah, it’ll be a beauty. Hmm? Flattery will get you the best prices always, m’love. So is he a good risk to extend credit too? Kaleb, you’re an angel now just answer the question.” There was a pause on this end of the conversation. “Okay.. Thanks!”

She hung up the phone and studied me. Her dark eyes seemed to peer deep into my soul. I had the eerie feeling that she was reading my life and my mind.

“Kaleb says there is probably no one in Seattle MORE honest than you!” She grinned and I blushed again. “Therefore I’ll make you a deal, one-third down, one-third when you pick it up and one-third the 2nd of January. Probably take me mmm.. three weeks to finish it. I’ll start it about middle of next week.” She pulled a calendar from the other end of the counter and flipped the pages.

“I can have it to you by Thanksgiving if all goes well.” She looked up at me.

I chuckled, "I'm Canadian. Thanksgiving was MONDAY of this week to me."

Antonine smiled a huge smile and I leaned across the counter and hugged her. She didn’t seem to find it odd and hugged me back.

“Thank you!” I said. "You have NO idea what this means to me."

She smiled. "My people died alongside gays in Nazi Germany, so the living should stand together. Ah, its all such silliness worrying about who does what with whom." She made a sweeping gesture with her hands.

She wrote up a quick bill of sale in tiny neat handwriting and gave it to me to sign. I gave her the money. It would leave me with just enough for gas for the next two weeks, but it was worth it. She wrote me a receipt for the deposit and I tucked it into my wallet with a smile. Now I’d be able to give Kel the best Thanksgiving ever!

Revised December 16, 2006