Chapter 17
For Tinn
Bailey had gone to an open house at the home of one
of the art history faculty, leaving Justin alone in their room on a dark Friday
afternoon in February. Although the streets and sidewalks were clear, the
ground was covered with six inches or so of snow, and it had looked all day as
if more might fall at any moment. The only light was from the lamp on his
desk, so most of the room was in darkness.
‘What the fuck do you do on a Friday afternoon?’ He’d suggested to Bailey
that they go to Higgins for the weekend, just for the change of scenery and to
give his mother some company, but then this affair at the prof’s house had come
up.
He put on Josh Groban’s “Closer” CD which
‘I guess I can’t complain,’ Justin thought. ‘You couldn’t ask for a
better friend than Bailey. I just wish we could be more than friends.’
He thought about Brody and Bailey. Brody was fantastic to look at.
Bailey’s body was amazing, though his face was fairly ordinary. Not
ugly by any means, but not gorgeous like Brody’s. There was, however,
something about Bailey’s face. Its changing expressions, the light in his
eyes, the smile which Justin could only describe as sweet – all of these made
Bailey’s a face Justin could stare at forever. He suspected neither one
realized how sexy he was. Both of them had been supportive, caring when
he’d needed them. He remembered that time the previous summer when he’d
been really missing his dad, when Brody had held him and kissed the top of his
head. Amazing that then last fall when he’d had a near breakdown over the
night of “the party,” Bailey had held him – and kissed the top of his head.
He loved them both so much he ached. But neither was available as
more than a bud.
He got out of the chair and lay down on his bed. A song with French
lyrics and a great melody was just finishing. Then he heard Josh sing,
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit a while with me.
‘God! Bailey does that for me! He really does! But it’s only gonna be a matter of time until he finds the right woman.
And then . . .’
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up . . . to more than I can be.
© 2002 Universal Music Publishing
He’d leaned on Bailey from the beginning. Bailey really had raised him
up. He was always good-natured, always willing to listen – or to sit in
shared silence. True, he’d seemed preoccupied from time to time lately,
but that could very well have been because of his family. Bailey was
obviously the second son in more ways than just chronology. His parents
disapproved of his career choice. Maybe there was something more going on
than he’d ever admitted to Justin. If he chose to go to
But why would he go off with Coutrere? Surely
he knew he would have been welcome to spend the holidays with Justin and his
mom. Justin had longed to ask Bailey about that ever since they’d gotten
back to campus after the break, but he’d never quite had the nerve. If
Bailey chose to go off for two weeks with Coutrere,
that was his right. It was just that . . . What was it? It
was that Justin was jealous. He and Bailey were supposedly best friends.
Even Brody, bless him, had been relegated to the status of beloved big
brother.
But if they were best friends, why the trip to
Dr. Levi had said that in another week or so they could discontinue their
sessions. He was pleased with the progress Justin had made. They’d
talked about Justin’s refusal to go to the police, and the doctor had
understood that Justin wouldn’t do that because he didn’t really know whether
he’d been raped or not, didn’t really have any proof that anything had been put
in his drinks. It might simply have been because he’d consumed too much
gin during the course of the evening.
The doc had also been pleased that Justin’s sense of self-worth had finally
returned, along with his libido. Justin once more had a healthy interest
in sex, yet he was frustrated because the object of his sexual desires, though
present every day, wasn’t available. Yes, Justin had told his counselor
how he felt about Bailey. All the doc had been able to suggest on that score
was to treasure their friendship but to look elsewhere for a sexual partner.
And to look for someone he’d consider for a relationship, not just a few
nights in the sack.
He was aware that the CD had finished playing and it had become fully dark
outside. Although they hadn’t discussed it, he assumed he and Bailey
would go to the Commons or somewhere for supper when Bailey returned from his
professor’s open house.
When Bailey wasn’t there by
Which left the problem, what was Justin going to do for the evening, for the
rest of the weekend? He’d need to do some studying on Sunday afternoon
and evening, but until then he was free. And alone. College wasn’t
supposed to be like this. The long, empty weekend seemed to stretch endlessly
before him. He decided to go upstairs and see what Cale
and his roomie Ted were up to.
They weren’t in.
That did it! He put on his winter shoes and his coat, grabbed his bag of
empty laundry, and trekked to his car in the freshman parking area. It
was so cold he began to reconsider, but he was not going back to that empty
room. It began to snow as he drove to Higgins. He might as well
spend some time with his mother. Although she didn’t nag about it, he
knew she was always happy when he came home.
When he arrived there at just after
What about Brody? He didn’t want to seem needy, but he might call them just
to say hello and see what happened from there. He got the voice mail.
He didn’t leave a message.
“Fuck!” he said aloud. “Everybody’s out having fun but me!”
After he’d finished his dinner, he went into the pantry, took out a nearly full
bottle of Jim Beam, grabbed a glass, and sat in one of the recliners in the
family room. He switched on the tv and surfed
until he came across a Pistons game. He poured himself a healthy slug of
the whiskey. He knew he didn’t like alcoholic beverages much and that he
was easily overcome when he consumed alcohol. An inner voice reminded him
of what happened at Blake’s party.
‘Fuck it!’ he said to himself. ‘There’s no one here but me, and if I wanna relax with some booze, I’m gonna
fuckin’ well do it!’
Alone! In his own fuckin’ home, and alone.
His room at school was empty. So here he was, drinking. Well,
too damned bad! What the fuck else was there to do?
He watched the basketball game without really seeing it, and he had another
drink.
* *
*
“Justin, wake up, dear? What’s wrong?”
“Huh? Oh, hi Mom. Guess I dropped off.”
“Is something the matter? Why are you home? It’s not like you to
drink! Is that a habit you’ve picked up at Colby?”
His head still muzzy from sleep and whiskey, Justin tried to look alert.
“No, mother, I just came home to spend some time with you, and you
weren’t here.”
She gave him a skeptical look. “If I’d known you were coming, I could
have changed my plans. I went to see “The Queen” with some friends.
And why did you just suddenly decide to come home? Are you sure
nothing’s wrong?”
“Jeez, if I’d known I was gonna get the third degree,
I’d have stayed in the room.”
“Where’s Bailey?”
“I dunno. He went to some party at a prof’s
house this afternoon and never came home. So I thought instead of
spending the evening in the room alone, I’d come home and see how you’re
doing.”
Moira finally smiled. “I’m glad you did, though that doesn’t explain your
sitting here with an empty glass and a half-empty bottle of bourbon. But
let that go for now. It’s nearly
“Hey, Mom, I didn’t drink half the stuff in that bottle. It wasn’t full
when I found it. But yeah, we can talk in the morning.” He
stretched his arms over his head and yawned. Please don’t wake me up,
though. I’d really like to sleep in tomorrow. If you’ve got things
you need to do, go ahead. I’ll fix myself breakfast.”
“Okay. We’ll see when you wake up and how you feel. I’ve got to go
to the supermarket. Maybe if you’re up you can come with me. Will
you stay for the weekend? We can fix something special for supper
tomorrow night and for dinner Sunday, and . . .”
Justin hugged his mother. “Let’s play it by ear, okay? Right now I
just want to sleep for a month.”
She kissed him. “Okay, you go on upstairs. I’ll be up after I turn
out the lights and lock up.”
“Justin, telephone!”
‘What? What world is it? It must be the middle of the night.’
He opened one eye. His bedside clock said
“Jeez, who is it?” he muttered. “Who’d be calling me here?
Especially at this ungodly hour?”
He got up, put on a ratty old bathrobe that was too small for him, and went to
the top of the stairs. “Who is it?”
“It’s Bailey, dear.”
“Tell him I’ll call him later.”
“Oh, I think you’d better talk with him, Jus. He sounds upset.”
Justin sighed. “Okay, I’ll take it up here.”
“I’m glad to know you’re still alive,” he said into the phone. “Nice of
you to call.”
“Nice of me to call? You’re the one who wasn’t here when I got in
last night and didn’t leave a note, didn’t come in all night. I’ve been worried
about you, Jus.”
“Well, you didn’t come back to the room after the thing at your prof’s house,
didn’t call, didn’t tell me we wouldn’t be having supper together. So I
just came home to see Mom.” Then, his voice full of sarcasm, he added,
“Sorry I forgot to leave a note.”
“Well,” Bailey said with a voice that indicated his struggle to be patient,
“when some of the other people in the class suggested we have supper together,
I tried to call you but the battery in my cell was dead. I figured you were
capable of getting to the Commons on your own.”
“Fuck!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Justin snorted. “I dunno. Just fuck!
I was worried about you and pissed at the same time, and it sounds like
you feel the same way.”
“You got that right. Now, how long are you gonna
stay there?”
“I had planned to stay until after church tomorrow. But I’ve got an idea.
Last I heard you didn’t have any plans for the weekend. Right?”
“Now that I’ve located my wandering boy, I’m going to the gym.”
“Okay, here’s what’s gonna happen. I’ll be in
the parking lot behind the dorm at . . .” He looked at his watch].
“. . .
“I think I could tolerate it. But I’ve gotta run if you’re picking me up
at 11:15. See ya. Hugs to your mom.”
“Yeah, later!”
‘Well,’ Justin thought, ‘that could have gone worse.’
He picked up Bailey, they stopped by the house so Bailey could say hello to
Moira and leave his bag, and then drove to the mall, where they had lunch and
went to a movie.
They were grumpy with each other. Justin felt both pissed off and at the
same time guilty, and he judged that Bailey was having similar feelings.
The three of them fixed supper together and, after the dinner mess was cleaned
up, watched something completely forgettable on television. Moira, who
obviously sensed something was wrong, attempted to keep the small talk flowing,
asking questions about their classes, about Bailey’s family, about anything.
Finally, however, she excused herself and went to her bedroom.
“Okay, Jus,” Bailey said after she’d left, “we obviously need to talk.”
“Are you sure you wanna do that?”
Bailey looked straight at Justin and said, “I said, we need to talk.
What the fuck’s griping your ass?”
“My ass?”
“I think that’s what I said, yes. Why are you pissed with me?”
When Justin tried to come up with an answer, he couldn’t think of a way to put
his feelings that wouldn’t make himself look childish. “I, uh, well . .
.”
Bailey didn’t show any signs of impatience. He simply sat there and waited.
“I thought we’d have supper together someplace. And when you didn’t show
up and didn’t call, well, I, uh . . .”
Bailey’s mouth showed a hint of a smile. “You were disappointed?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?” It became a full smile.
“Yeah, dammit!”
“Did you worry about me?”
“Uh huh. A little. And then I figured nothing much could happen to
you on the way back to the dorm from the prof’s house.”
“Well, when I got home, I was looking forward to spending the evening with your
miserable self. I was disappointed, too. I wanted to see how your
day had gone, to tell you about Dr. Blandings’ open
house. But you weren’t there. And there wasn’t a note. I
didn’t have a clue where you were. But then, I thought, you’d probably
gone somewhere after supper with somebody you’d met up with at the Commons.
Then it got later and later. You didn’t come in at all. I was
really worried, but I kept telling myself you are a grownup, that you can take
care of yourself. And then I thought of the party last fall. I couldn’t
help wondering if somehow you’d been enticed into going someplace like that
again.”
Justin was beginning to feel even guiltier. And to realize yet again that
Bailey really cared for and worried about him.
“And then it got to be midnight, one A.M., and I was really concerned. I
went upstairs to see if Cale and Ted had seen you,
but they either weren’t in or had gone to bed. I couldn’t see any light
under their door. I went downstairs to see if anyone was up in Harry and
Cliff’s room. Same story. So I said, ‘Fuck Quinn,’ got undressed,
and got in bed. But I couldn’t sleep for the longest time.
“When I woke up this morning and you still weren’t there, I got really scared.
The only thing I could think of was that you might have come home.
I debated about calling because I didn’t want to worry your mother, but I
figured I could make up something if she said you weren’t here. But you
were!” He took a deep breath. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Shit, man, I’m sorry you worried. I guess I was acting like a little kid
when I came home to mommy last night. But I missed you and worried about
you, as silly as that was.”
“So, it’s forgive and forget, Jus?”
“Yeah.”
They watched a Redwings match for a while, and then, yawning, Bailey said, “I’m
afraid I’ve gotta turn in. Like I said, I didn’t get much sleep last
night.”
Justin grinned. “Yeah, yeah. You’re just layin’
more guilt, ain’t ya?”
“Would I do that?”
“Yessir, I think you would. But for your
information, I didn’t sleep well last night either. At least not until
along toward morning. So let’s turn in.”
“Okay by me. But, Jus, I need a hug, okay?”
Grinning again, Justin stood and held his arms open. “Anytime, big dude.”
They slept late the next morning. When Justin got up he used the bathroom,
pulled on sweat pants and a tee, and went downstairs to the kitchen, thinking
he’d have some coffee ready when Bailey got up. He found Bailey in the
kitchen, sipping coffee and reading the newspaper.
“Oh, hi. You been up long?”
“Not really.”
“Have you seen Mom?”
“She’s gone to church. She left a note.”
“Want some eggs and bacon?”
“Her note says we’re supposed to stay around for Sunday dinner, which we’ll
start working on when she gets back. So I don’t want to eat much now.
There’s o.j. in the fridge and some pecan rolls
in the oven keeping warm. Let’s make do with that.”
Justin chuckled. “Damn, roomie, you know your
way around this kitchen.”
“Well, Jus, you and your mother have made me feel like one of the family.”
“Good.”
A few minutes later they were seated across from each other at the breakfast
table, eating pecan rolls and sipping coffee.
Justin set down his mug, looked at Bailey and blurted out, “Why did you go to
Louisiana with Coutrere, man, why didn’t you come
here? Or at least spend some time with me?”
He’d wanted to ask that question since Christmas but had never quite mustered
up the nerve. And he knew Bailey could have brushed him off, or told him
he could go where he liked, or that Justin hadn’t actually invited him by the
time Cale asked him to go to Louisiana, or a number
of other things. But he had to ask. He wanted more than anything
for their friendship to last and grow stronger, but he simply had to know the
answer to that question.
He sat with his hands in his lap. He was clasping them together so hard
it hurt. Forcing himself to relax, he looked directly at Bailey -- who
was looking back.
“I’m sorry, Jus.”
“Sorry? For what?”
“For not telling you sooner.”
‘Oh fuck,’ Justin thought. ‘He’s gonna tell me
he doesn’t wanna be friends.’
“Look, Bailey, you can go wherever you want to. You don’t owe me an
explanation. You don’t owe me anything! Forget I asked.”
“I’ve been expecting you to ask me that question since Christmas. And
you’re entitled to an answer. It’s just that I needed time, time to
think, to get things straightened out in my head.”
The discussion was interrupted by the sound of the garage door going up.
They helped Moira fix dinner, chatting as they did. Both young men were
surprised to find they enjoyed the ham, sweet potatoes, broccoli, and chocolate
silk pie despite the late hour at which they’d had their breakfast.
As she hugged Justin goodbye, Moira said softly to him, “We’re still going to
talk about what was bothering you last night, about the whisky, Justin Quinn.”
Justin gave her an extra squeeze. “As it turns out, it wasn’t important.
I’ll tell you more later, okay?”
“I’m glad it was nothing serious. But yes, we’ll talk some more.
Now, be careful driving back to campus.” She turned to Bailey, who
had just come back from Justin’s car after putting their bags in it.
“Bailey, I know I can trust you to keep an eye on Justin. And remember, I
think of you as one of my boys. This is home whenever you need it to be.”
Justin caught a glimpse of a tear in Bailey’s eye as he hugged Moira and said,
“Thanks. I really appreciate that . . . Mom.”
In the car on the way back to Colby, Justin said, “Now, where were we?”
“I remember exactly where we were, Jus. But I’d rather wait until we’re
back in the room, okay?”
“Sure, but I don’t know whether I can stand to wait much longer.”
Once in their room, they brushed their teeth, and Bailey removed his contacts,
exchanging them for his glasses.
“Now,” Justin said, pointing at Bailey’s computer chair, “please sit.”
Bailey sat.
Justin turned his chair to face his room mate. “I’ve turned off both our
cells. The door’s locked. If someone knocks, we’ll ignore it,
okay?”
“Okay.”
“So talk to me.”
Bailey took a deep breath, let it out, and stared at a spot on the wall
somewhere behind Justin. Finally he looked directly at Justin.
“I pretty much expected you to invite me home for at least part of the
Christmas break. That’s why I was relieved when Cale
asked me to come to Shreveport with him.”
“What? I don’t – “
Bailey held up his hand. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounds. You
see, Jus . . . you gotta understand, this is something I’ve really been
wrestling with since last fall.”
Though puzzled and somewhat surprised, Justin decided simply to wait for Bailey
to continue.
“Look, there’s never been any question in my mind that I’m straight.
Never.”
Again, Justin was surprised by the comment, especially since he agreed.
He’d never questioned Bailey’s sexual orientation and he wondered why
Bailey was bringing that up now? He searched Bailey’s face for a clue as
to what was coming. His friend was frowning, apparently trying to think
how to phrase what he wanted to say next.
“Oh, shit! Here’s the thing. Not long after we came to CSU last
fall, I started having feelings I couldn’t explain, feelings I never had
before.”
Justin couldn’t keep quiet any longer. “What kind of feelings?”
Bailey gave Justin a faint smile. “When I finally figured it out, I
decided it was love. I mean not like I love my brother or my folks.
Not like I felt for any of my buddies in high school. Or the girls
I dated. It was more than that. Deeper. Stronger.”
“Yeah? Sounds like you’re in love, Bail. And you never told
me? So you went to Louisiana with Coutrere to
get your head straight? But why wouldn’t you tell me? I thought
there was something wrong with our friendship. I would have understood.
Who is she?”
Bailey shook his head. “No, man, you don’t understand. I needed to
go spend some time with Cale because he’s straight.”
‘Oh, god!’ Justin thought. ‘He really is still bothered because I’m gay!’
“I wanted to, I dunno, just hang with him. To
see if I could get this out of my system.”
“Now I’m confused.”
Bailey leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “The feelings I
was having, the feelings I still have, are for you.”
Justin gripped the arms of his chair to keep from sliding out of it. He
was literally dizzy. After taking a huge breath he said, “Don’t do this
to me. That’s a pretty cruel joke. And it’s not like you.”
“You’re right. It’s not like me. That’s the whole thing. I’m
straight. But, dammit, Quinn, I think I’m in
love with you.”
Justin remembered the times since Christmas break that Bailey had seemed
pensive, withdrawn. Now it all made sense. But how could a straight guy
be in love with him?
“But if you’re straight, you can’t be in love with me.
We’re best friends. You’re the best friend I have. Brody will
always have a special place in my heart, but you know me better than he does.
What you’re feeling is strong friendship, maybe the love of a brother for
a brother. But don’t get all knotted up. That doesn’t mean you’re
gay.”
“No, Jus, it’s not just brotherly love. It’s romantic love. I want
to be with you. As you discovered yesterday morning, it’s a very
possessive love. I worry that something might happen to you. I
worry when you’re not around. I want to take care of you, to make things
easier for you. Just to be with you.” He ran his hand over the top
of his head. “That’s what’s had me preoccupied and sometimes bitchy
lately. It must have been hard on you, and I apologize. I just hope
you won’t get all weirded out knowing how I feel.”
Justin stood up, thrust his hands in his jeans pockets and walked to the door.
Then he turned around and walked back to his desk.
“Fuck! There’s not much pacing room in here, is there?” He turned
and grinned at Bailey.
Bailey allowed himself a little grin in return.
“Well, I’m just glad you didn’t go out the door.”
Justin sat down again, again facing Bailey.
“I’m not going anywhere. You see, I’ve been in love with my straight roomie since last fall. It started sometime after you
were so cool with me about the party at Alexander’s. But, of course, my
friendship with my straight roomie meant so much to
me, I didn’t dare let him know how I really felt about him. I was afraid
you’d be the one to get all weirded out if you knew.
Pretty ironic, huh?”
Bailey’s smile had grown broader and broader as Justin’s narrative continued.
“No shit! We’re not just buds? You really care for me? Like
a, well, like a boyfriend?”
“Oh, god, yes! But more! Like I never felt about a boyfriend
before.”
Justin wanted to jump into Bailey’s lap and put his arms around him, to kiss
him. But he was afraid that might not be a good move. Yet.
“So, babe. What the fuck do we do now?”
Bailey shook his head. “Damned if I know, Jus, damned if I know.”
To be continued