The Light in Your Eyes

By Tinnean

Part 25

Author’s Note: 'I packed my bag to go to Grandma's' is a game played to while away the time, whether on a journey or just to amuse a child. It starts "I packed my bag to go to Grandma's, and on the way I took…" As each player goes, he/she repeats items previously given, and then adds one of his/her own. Players are eliminated as they forget or repeat out of order.

***

Tim looked up from the take-out menus that were scattered in front of him and nodded toward the two bottles on the table. "Beer, Sweets?"

"Thanks. Let me feed Miss Su first." I filled a bowl with water and emptied the can of Grilled Salmon Feast in Gravy into her food bowl. "Din din, puss," I called. The words were barely out of my mouth before she came trotting in. She rubbed her cheek against my leg, then began to eat. "I guess all is forgiven, huh?"

I picked up the beer, twisted off the cap, and took a long swallow. Too wound up to sit, I leaned back against a counter and gazed around the kitchen.

Calling it 'a little dated' was being kind. Tim had joked that the first time he'd seen it, he'd said, 'The 50s called. They're looking for their kitchen.' Black and white linoleum squares covered the floor, and black and white tiles were on the counter and backsplash. The wallpaper was covered with dancing coffee pots, frying pans, blenders, toasters.

However, the avocado-colored appliances were a little more modern, dating from the 70s.

"I don't want to hurt your feelings, Tim, but this kitchen really needs a make-over." I started to say that Wills would be the perfect man to do it but bit the words back. He'd never do any work in this apartment.

I tuned back in to what Tim was saying. "… and once the Pub is in the black… "

"You can't use that for an excuse. I'm your accountant. The Pub has been in the black for the last six months. What's the skinny?"

Tim's grin was lopsided, and idly I wondered if it did to Cris what my lover's did to… I dragged my mind away from the bastard who broke my heart.

"You know me, Sweets. I have no problem running a bar, but when it comes to stuff like this… " His gesture encompassed the room. "… I'm at a total loss. And Cris isn't much better. Besides, it's not too bad."

"You're joking, right? It's awful!"

"You think?" He looked around, mildly surprised. "Hmmm. I guess we could use a new fridge."

"And a new oven. A microwave and a dishwasher would be good too."

"Yeah? Yeah. I guess we have enough room. Listen, after we eat, why don't we go shopping, okay? You can give us the benefit of your expertise."

I looked at him sharply. Was this something to take my mind off my lover's… my ex-lover's betrayal? Tim was looking over the menus and didn't notice, and I decided that if it was, it didn't matter. I needed something to take my mind off how Wills had treated me.

"Sounds like a plan."

"Good. So, what do you feel like for dinner?"

"Whatever you want, Tim. I'm easy."

"That’s the one thing you never were." He reached for a menu, then shook his head. "Why are we keeping this? Cris swears he got food poisoning from this place." He tore it in half and selected another menu. "How about pizza?"

"No." We'd had pizza on Christmas Eve.

"Thai?"

"No." He'd often picked that up when I didn't feel like cooking.

"Ruby Tuesday's? They've got curbside service?"

"No." That had been where we'd gone on our first date. I cleared my throat and looked away.

"Kick in the pants?"

"What?"

"Just checking to see if you're paying attention or saying 'no' on general principles." Tim grinned, but his eyes were concerned.

"Sorry. I'm just… Get whatever you feel like having, Tim. That'll be fine." My lower lip started to quiver, and I bit down on it. "I'm really not very hungry."

"Sweets… " He sighed, picked up a menu that had Chinese letting on it, then with barely a glance and as if he had made up his mind to do something he'd rather not, set it aside. "Okay. Sit down and talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about, Tim. I think I'll just… "

He frowned at me and nodded at the chair across the table from his. I tried to out-frown him, but he was better at it than I was, and finally I sat, but I made sure he saw how grudging my compliance was.

He reached across the table and rested his hand on mine. "You've never said much about him."

Wills, and my feelings for him, had been so special, I'd wanted to hug them to me to keep them safe. Smart move on my part, I thought in disgust. I'd really kept them safe.

"If I tell you about him, will you drop it then?"

"Sure." He said it too readily, and I scowled at him, certain that behind his back, his fingers were crossed.

"He's about 5' 10". Brown hair, brown eyes." Although his lashes and brows were black, and his lashes were the thickest I'd ever seen on a man.

"And?"

"And that's it. Now you promised… "

"Sweets, don't make me drag it out of you. There had to be something about him that attracted you."

"He has a hot bod, okay?" And I was the first to fuck it, the first to make him moan. Who had he moaned for while he'd been away? I wasn't born yesterday. He'd had someone during that time, the amount of come he'd shot over the wall and into my hand made that clear to me.

Tim raised an eyebrow, and I realized he was waiting for me to say more. Reluctantly, I continued.

"You'd never know how hot he is just to look at him. He wears the… the most ordinary suits I've ever seen. It almost took an act of god to persuade him to buy a Hugo Boss."

"But he did?"

"Yeah. He wore it on Valentine's Day, and he looked so good… " I picked at the label on the beer bottle. "He has this pair of button fly jeans, so old they're almost worn white, but I nearly came the first time I saw him in them." I looked away and swallowed. "He laughs at my jokes, he's smart – he's got a shit-load of bonuses and commendations at work, he loves his family and is deeply loyal to them, even the ones who don't deserve it, and… " And I thought he loved me too.

Tim glanced at Miss Su as she sauntered to the alcove to use the litter pan. "And he gave you a kitten."

"Yes." Johns had given me jewelry, stock tips, even a first edition of 'Tom Jones,' which I'd never read, but no one had ever given me a pet.

He studied me thoughtfully. "It sounds like he means a lot to you."

"Maybe once, but not any more." He looked as if he was about to say something, but I spoke before he could. "Please, Tim. Please… " … don't tell me I was a fool to fall in love with him. I know that. I cleared my throat. "What you said earlier about meeting guys… "

"Yeah?"

"Don't you think it's too soon? I mean, it hasn't even been a whole day."

"Gotta get back on the horse, babe." He shrugged. "If you're not gonna give Wills… "

"I don't want to hear that name, Tim!"

"All right. If you're not gonna give he-who-must-not-be-named a second chance – Not that I blame you at all for not wanting to, Sweets. A man cheats on his lover, he deserves to get kicked to the curb. Out with the old, in with the new. No point in letting grass grow under your feet." He raised his hand to forestall any objections. "I'm not saying you have to go to bed with the first guy who buys you a drink. Just don't limit your possibilities."

"Possibilities. Right." I set the half-finished beer down on the table and stood. "How about Chinese? Does Chinese sound good, Tim?"

He sighed. "Sure, babe. I'll call in the order now. Do you still like the boneless ribs?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Tim. Thank you… "

He rose and hugged me. "It's okay, Sweets. It will be okay."

"It's okay already." I gave him my most brilliant smile. "You know, if he was here and he heard you call me 'Sweets,' he'd get all bent out of shape. Why did he… No." I wouldn't let myself go there. "I'm fine. I'm fine. I… uh… I think I'm gonna lie down for a while, okay?" I put a couple of twenties on the table. "My treat, please, Tim? Call me when dinner gets here."

If he noticed how watery my smile had become, he didn't let on. He nodded and left the money on the table, and I went back to the bedroom that would be mine for as long as I was here.

****

The next morning Tim and Cris were already in the kitchen having coffee and reading the newspaper when I rushed in.

"Sleep well, Sweets?" Cris looked at me closely. "No, I reckon you didn't."

"Must have been the Chinese food."

"Yeah, must have been," Tim said dryly. "You look like hell."

I always enjoyed hearing that. "You should've woke me up. I'll get started on breakfast."

"I figured you needed the sleep. You don't need to fix breakfast, y'know."

"Tim, I promised you blueberry pancakes, and I'm gonna make you goddamn blueberry pancakes!"

He held his hands up in a placating gesture. "Don't get your shorts in a twist."

"Sorry."

"Here. I think you could use a cup of coffee."

"Thanks." What I could use was something to do to take my mind off the dream I'd had – Wills moving further and further away from me and me being unable to run after him because my feet were frozen to the ground. I'd wakened to a thudding heart, wet cheeks, and Miss Su lying across my feet.

"Don't mention it."

"Timboy tells me you helped him pick out some really cool stuff for the kitchen."

"What? Oh, yeah." I blew on the coffee and took a cautious sip. Tim was only interested in coffee for the caffeine; he drank any kind, including the cheapest store brands, but this was hazelnut, Cris' favorite. Just like Peaberry Kona Viennese was mine, and even though Wills groused about the cost, he always saw to it we didn't run short… I pushed him out of my mind. That act of caring – a fucking act was all it was. "I still say you should have someone come in and gut the kitchen, lay down a new floor, put in new countertops and cabinets, a new sink… "

"The appliances are what's important. It's gonna be nice to be able to open the oven without the door falling off."

"We never cook in this kitchen, Tim. It don't matter that the door falls off."

I let their banter wash over me as I mixed together the batter and poured the first batch into the frying pan. All these years, and they still didn't have a griddle.

"What's on the schedule for today?"

"I've got a delivery later this morning, but once that's taken care of, we could go out for lunch, maybe take in some sights?"

"Sure. That sounds good."

"We open the Pub at four, and if you'd like, you can help out behind the bar." Were they trying to find things to keep my mind off … things?

"Thanks, guys. I'll help out however I can. Now dig in. Home Depot promised to have the appliances delivered tomorrow, and I want to get the fridge emptied out. I swear you've got something sentient living in there."

****

Cris finished connecting a fresh keg of beer to the taps and wiped his hands on a bar towel. "Want a Coke, Sweets?"

"Is it too early for anything stronger? I really I wouldn't mind a Dewars maybe, or a Canadian Club?"

"Nope. At 11 in the morning, Coke is all I'm gonna offer you." Did he think I hadn't seen the look he'd exchanged with Tim?

I sighed. "Okay."

He filled a glass with ice, then displayed the nozzle. "This button is for Coke, this one is for ginger ale, this one's 7-Up, this one's club soda, and this is water."

"And I need to know this why?"

"Oh, ya never can tell." Cris handed me the glass.

"Don't I get a cherry with this?"

He grinned. "Sure. Why not?" He dropped one into my soda, and touched my cheek. "It'll be okay, Sweets."

I couldn't speak, just nodded and sipped my Coke.

"Give me a hand with this, would you, Sweets?" Tim was replacing bottles of Scotch and gin.

"Sure." I plucked the cherry from where it rested on the ice and sucked it off the stem, then joined him, chewing on it. "What can I do?"

"Hand me the Grey Goose and the Absolut, okay?"

One by one, I passed him the bottles of vodka, and he stacked them in a row.

"I take it you won't want to go to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch."

I was being stupid about that. I couldn't avoid pizza and Thai and Ruby Tuesday's for the rest of my life. "No, Ruby Tuesday's is fine, Tim."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." Why make everyone else as miserable as I was?

"All right, then. I'm almost done here. We can get cleaned up and… " The bells over the door jingled, and Tim straightened, facing the front of the Pub. "Ah'm sorry," he said, more suth'n than I'd heard him in… I blinked, realizing the South had been in his voice only the day before. "Ah'm closed right now."  

"He does that whenever tourists come in," Cris whispered with an affectionate grin. "They eat it up with a spoon. So do I," he murmured.

"And he can tell a tourist at twenty paces?"

"Yep. Same way he can tell who's gay and who isn't."

It was an inane conversation, but it helped keep my mind off other things. Until I heard the 'tourist' say, "I didn't come in for a drink."

"Wills?" My heart started beating a wild tattoo, and I stood frozen to the spot, unable to turn and face him. What was he doing down here? Was this another dream?

"Yeah, 'Wills'." His voice was cold and tight.

I sent a panicked glance Tim's way. He was looking back at me, and his mouth tightened at my expression, but he said nothing.

"How did you get here?" Somehow I got the words out of my mouth. "There were no flights."  

"I drove. You didn't think I'd come after you?"  

"Well, now, actually he didn't." Cris had seen my expression too, and his lip curled in a sneer. "From what we gathered, he's through with you."  

"You stay out of this, whoever you are." His tone dismissed Cris as unimportant. Was he crazy? Cris was a big man. He'd been the one who stepped in to stop johns from roughing us up, and he'd sent more than one bully to the ER.

"Where are ma manners?" Tim came from around the bar and lounged against it, his words and stance bordering on insulting. "Ah'm Tim Reddy, and this heah is ma partner, Cris."  

"You used to run the stable of rentboys." Wills acknowledged him. 

"Why, yes. And Ah made a nice livin' out of it."  

"This is between me and him."

I finally turned to face my ex-lover. "How did you know where I was?" I refused to allow the tug at my heart at how tired he looked.

"I know everything about you except why you shredded the roses I gave you and threw the vase against the wall." He stalked toward me, for all the world like a hunting animal, and I bit back a whimper. That predatory look had never been directed at me before. My mouth went dry, and when I tried to swallow, I had no spit. 

"Uh oh!" Cris took a cigarette from a pack that was in his rolled up tee shirt sleeve and stuck it in his mouth. It was part of his tough guy persona, but it didn't seem to affect Wills in the least. "Looks like you've got yourself a stalker, Sweetcheeks." 

"Don't you call him that!" Wills spat.  

"Why? Because that was the name I used when I used to peddle my ass, and you don't want to face the fact?" He'd hurt me, and I was damn sure going to hurt him right back, as badly as I could. "Look. We had some fun, but it's over."  

"What?" He looked stunned. How dared he look stunned? He was the one who'd been out fucking around. Did he think there wouldn't be any consequences? Did he think that just because I'd had to sell my ass to… to more men than I liked to think about, I'd look the other way while he satisfied his curiosity about what it was like with other men?

"You heard me." I shrugged as if it didn't matter to me in the least, as if there wasn't a gaping hole in my chest, my shredded heart on the floor at my feet. "We're through. You're too white-bread for me, and I'm… " I yawned. "I'm bored with you."

"Why? What did I do?" The bastard was a good actor, I'd give him that. That little-boy-lost look on his face…

"You… " If I didn't know him for the two-timing, cheating… cheater that he was, I'd have bought it in a heartbeat. I throttled the rage and pain that threatened to come pouring out. I couldn't tell him his betrayal had cut my heart to ribbons, couldn't let him see how he'd hurt me. I wouldn't give him that satisfaction. I shrugged again. "You didn't do anything. That's the problem."  

"Why didn't you tell me? I'd have changed. I will change."  

"No." I wasn't going to set myself up for more hurt. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. "It's too late for that. I'm used to variety." I was a pretty damn good actor too. I should get an Oscar for this performance. "I… I need some excitement in my life."  

Tim stifled a snort, and I glared at him.

"You want excitement?" Wills' tone was like ice, and I turned to say something that would rub my past into his face.

The words never got past my lips. One minute I was about to pour scathing, hateful words on him, and the next, I was on my ass on the floor, blinking back tears of pain. My nose throbbed, and I brought my sleeved arm up to catch the blood that was seeping from it. I stared at Wills in utter shock. He'd never once raised a hand to me, not in the months we'd been together, not even when I'd broken up with him over the phone.

Cris and Tim both attacked. They knew how to fight, and they knew how to fight dirty. That was how they went at Wills now, coming at him from both sides, lashing at his groin, his kneecaps, his kidney… Oh, god, his kidney with only partial function.

I whimpered and wanted to cover my eyes, not wanting to see the damage they did to him, but I couldn't. I watched in sick fascination.  

It didn't take long, not more than a matter of minutes, but when it was over, Cris was on his knees, doubled over, gasping for breath; Tim was against the bar, cradling his side where Wills had struck him with the flat of his foot, and Wills, pale and shaking, looked at his hands in horror.  

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." His lips twisted, and he turned toward me. I didn't think to flinch away from him. "You didn't have to run, Theo. I would have… I'll get my things out of our… your apartment." His eyes muddy with the pain I'd been eager to inflict, he turned away.  

"Just a second, White Bread!" Tim straightened, grabbed his arm, and jerked him around. He was going to punch Wills, I had no trouble seeing that; I could also see that Wills was going to let him, but instead of throwing a punch, he touched Wills' cheek. "Y'all're cryin'."  

What?

"No." Wills jerked his head away. "I never cry." But tears were spilling down his cheeks.

"Did you hurt him, Tim?" I demanded.

"No, Ah think you did that, Sweetcheeks."  

"Stop calling him that. Look, if you're gonna punch me, punch me. It's a long drive to DC, and I… "  

Tim's hand clenched into a fist.

"Don’t you hit him, Tim!" Scrambling to my feet and throwing myself between the two men, I glared at Tim over my shoulder. No one hit Wills.

Tim arched an eyebrow. "Ah had a feelin' you were a trifle over-emphatic about wantin' this guy out of your life."

"Shut up." I pretended to find the blood on my sleeve interesting.

"Here, babe." Wills handed me a handkerchief, and I mopped up the blood that was still trickling from my nose.

"Are you gonna forgive him?" Tim asked me, kneading his side. 

"Forgive me? What for?"

"I thought… " I raised my eyes to his. "I know it's stupid, but… "  

"If it's bothering you enough to break us up, it isn't stupid." Wills ran a palm over his cheek, and blinked, obviously surprised to find it wet. He patted his pockets for a handkerchief, but I had it.

"Here." I took a napkin from the stack on the bar and gave it to him.

"Thanks." He dried his face. "Now please, babe. Tell me what's wrong."

"I thought… " I had to look away, his eyes were so earnest. "I thought you were cheating on me."  

"Y'see? It isn't… " My words sank in. "You thought what? Never mind. That is stupid! Is that why… " Color left his cheeks. "Jesus, that was why you were smelling me?"

"What?"

"I thought it was so hot, but you just wanted to see if I had another man's aftershave or cologne on me?"

What was he talking about?

"Theo, why?" There was such pain in his voice. "Have I ever done anything that would make you think I wanted someone else?"

I'd succeeded in hurting him, better than I'd ever dreamed, although I hadn't intended it with that action – even though I hadn't washed his pillow case, his scent on it had become faint, and I'd needed to have it in my nostrils after such a long time.

"You could have wanted a woman again," I said quietly, reluctant to let him know how needy I'd been. As a bisexual, he always had that option. "I'm sorry."  

"I don't understand why you'd think I'd cheat on you. I love you."  

I cleared my throat. "Love has nothing to do with it." Plenty of men who claimed to love their partners had been in my bed. Some of them had even shown me pictures when they'd taken out their wallets to pay me.

"That's right." Cris had finally caught his breath, but he staggered a bit as he rose to his feet and crossed to Tim. "You okay, babe?"

"Yeah. Ah'll live. How about you?"

"I'll live." Cris grinned at me, but it was more a grimace. "Y'see, Sweet… " Wills gave him a look that dared Cris to call me that one more time, and he raised his hands in surrender. "He never told us his real name."  

But once I'd retired, hadn't I… No, I guessed I never had – maybe in an effort to keep my past separate from the shining future that had appeared to be within my grasp? I sighed. "It's Theo."

"You forgot one important thing, Theo," Cris continued, his cold stare directed at Wills. "We all cheat sooner or later. We're guys."  

"I haven't cheated!" Wills snapped, his frustration evident.

Tim turned to glare at Cris, his eyes narrowed and his lips in a tight line. "You. Cheated. On. Me?"  

"Now, Timboy… "  

"Don't you 'Timboy' me!" He held up his hand, with the gold band on his ring finger, then grabbed Cris', with its matching ring. "Ah thought you knew what would happen... "  

"I didn't cheat. I was just trying to point out… "  

"They can sort out their own problems." Wills stepped close, into my personal space. His breath was warm on my face. "Theo, I didn't cheat on you."  

"You were gone for four weeks." I cringed at the childish words.

He blinked in confusion. "So?"  

"I know you, Wills." I folded my arms across my chest. Maybe I was ready to forgive him, maybe I wasn't. "We've had sex two and three times a night since you moved in with me. Sometimes even more."

"And you think I couldn't keep it in my pants for a month? Does that mean you've been screwing around?"  

I started choking. "No!" I hadn't had sex with anyone but him since the night he'd walked into the ER. "I just thought… Well, someone with your sex drive wouldn't be able to last four weeks without getting laid."  

"Someone with my sex drive? Are you mental, Theo?"  

"I'm not mental," I said resentfully. No, I wasn't ready to forgive him. "Since we've met, you've had a steady diet of sex. You can't stop cold turkey."  

"I did give my right hand a work out. And every time I came, it was your name I moaned."

Okay, that explained the less than copious amounts of come when we'd made love, I conceded to myself.

"Before I met you, I was too involved with work to have more than a random one night stand here and there. I didn't get much out of them, so I stopped. And then I met you. Theo, did you think I was kidding when I said I loved you? If I can't have you, I don't want anyone else."  

"Really?" Okay, I was definitely going to forgive him.  

"Geez, Theo. You can be such an asshole!" He fisted his hands on his hips. "Do you know what yesterday was?"  

I started to say 'Wednesday,' automatically, but then I stopped and thought about it. "It was a year since we met." Since he'd walked into the ER behind Vincent.

"Yes. But more than that, it was a year since we became lovers."

My jaw dropped. He remembered the actual date?

"What? Did you think I'd forget the night you popped my cherry?"

"You took White Bread's cherry?" Trust Tim to overhear that, even in the middle of a quarrel with his own lover. Cris looked interested too.

Wills turned bright red, and he groaned. "Having succeeded in embarrassing myself… " He closed his hand around my arm and dragged me to the far end of the bar. One hand remained on his hip, but the other he ran through his hair. "Look, Theo. If you want to count it from the day I moved in, then fine, that'll be our anniversary, but as far as I'm concerned, we've been together since a year ago yesterday."

"You were out of town. I didn't think you remembered." Shit, it had slipped my mind.

"But I sent you flowers… " 

"Yes. The flowers." I scowled at him. He had to remind me what started the whole fucking mess. "Guys send flowers when they've done something dumb and they want to make up for it."  

"And you'd know this how?"  

"I've had clients who called the florist while they were still in bed with me." Being the realist that I was, I'd known some of the men who'd used my services were married – okay, maybe more than some of them – and while back in the day I'd been blasé about it, now it hurt like hell. 

"I'm not a fucking client! Theo, I sent you flowers because I love you and it was the anniversary of something that meant a lot to me."  

"Maybe that's so, but… but what about the note? 'I'm sorry. Forgive me. I was a fool.'"  

"What? That's not what I told him to put on the card!"  

Did he think I was illiterate? Irritated, I fished the card from my pocket and threw it at him. "Here. Read it for yourself."  

He caught it, stared down at the damning words, then looked up in some confusion. "But this isn't what I told him to put on the card. It was supposed to say… " Abruptly, that cold look returned. "Y'know what? Fuck it. I've done nothing this whole year to make you think I would even look at someone else, and yet you're willing to believe that I'd fuck any warm body just because you're not around?"

Reluctantly, I was reminded of that dream… that nightmare I'd had before Christmas. We both know I'm such a slut for cock that I can't do without it for a day, let alone a week. Let me think. How many guys have I let fuck me so far… One, Theo. You!

"We… we don't do that in my family." The cold look was gone, and his eyes were shiny with unshed tears. He turned away. "I'm going back to DC." His voice broke, but he continued in spite of it. "It'll… it'll take me a while to get my stuff together, but I'll be out of there as soon as I… " There was defeat in the line of his shoulders. He had lost all hope. He was giving up on us, walking out on what we had.

What we had.

"Wills." I caught his arm, bringing him to a halt, but he refused to face me. I moved to stand directly in front of him, turned his face toward me. "What was the note supposed to say?"  

He finally looked into my eyes. "It was supposed to say, 'Thank you for giving me the most wonderful year of my life.'"

"Really? I gave you the most wonderful… Really?"

"Really. I love you, and … " A single tear spilled over, but before he could brush it away, I caught it on my fingertip.

That was what we had, that Wills loved me and I loved him. I kissed the rest of his words from his mouth, and he sighed and closed his arms around me, holding on tight. His shoulders shook under my hands, and I stroked and petted him.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry."  

"Just please don't do this to me again."  

"No. I won't. It's just… " I caressed his cheek, and he turned his face into my palm, kissing the scratches left by the rose thorns.

"It's not easy for someone in our business to have a relationship with someone not in our business." Tim joined us, favoring his side.  

"I don't care what Theo used to do. And I won't cheat on him." Wills burrowed his head against my neck, and I could feel his lashes as his eyes closed and the warmth of his breath as he yawned. "Sorry. Thought I was gonna lose you, babe. Been driving all night to get here."

"It doesn't take that long to drive to Savannah